FRI(END)S? – Should I FUCK my best FRIEND?
So, recently I finished a post on the main reasons why good Friendships end. Please check it out, you can catch up with it by clicking on this link here, you know you want to.
On coming up with my original list, I stumbled upon probably the most controversial reason of all.
Because you want to FUCK them
Because of the sensitive nature of this subject, I thought I would handle this as a separate post. Arguably it‘s probably one of the most important relationship decisions you’ll ever need to make and you only really get one chance at it.
Even though this is going to concentrate on friends, the same rules apply to anyone you have a pre-existing nonsexual relationship but you wish to introduce to the land of bonerville. For example
- Parent’s friend
- Co-worker or Boss
- Best Friend’s Ex of siblings
It will also cover the desire to start a relationship with them as well. To me, it’s pretty much the same scenario but in one circumstance, you’re driven by your heart and in the other, you’re driven by your filthy loins.
In either case, this will help you make the right decisions regardless by making sure you’re being driven by your head.
Now here is my take on it.
Simply put, I created a checklist of 14 separate questions you should answer honestly before going down this windy path. I recommend you cut away all the bullshit and are super honest with yourself the whole way through.
If you manage to pass with flying colours then I would say you have a valid argument to make that decision in a rational manner. If not, well your own your own chum, Bonne chance
So without further ado, here are my list of vital questions you need to ask yourself.
1. Have you gone some time without sex?
This one really goes without saying but if it’s been so long since you’ve fucked that you need to call the Ghostbusters to capture your missing sex life, then anything that moves is going to seem like a good target. It’ll come as no surprise that include your friends too.
I suggest in this case, you have a real fierce play with yourself and see how you are feeing after. When you haven’t had any in a while and you haven’t had a play, the mind plays tricks with you and mess with your judgement.
Always make this decision just after you’ve come to avoid going in gun ho. This will sort out 99% of people reading this right now.
2. Is either party likely to get hurt?
A simple question on paper and most people will fool themselves into answering ‘no’ here, especially when it’s most likely to be them.
I think it’s really an impossible question to answer but you should force yourself to as honestly as possible.
You aren’t in the other persons head but then again, they are your best friend and you should know based on their relationship history how they are likely to react.
If you seriously think neither of you really want this then forget it, you are just wasting your time even considering it.
3. Are you willing to lose your entire friendship group?
It’s rare for two people to be friends without being part of a larger network of people. By making a decision to sleep with your friend means you are also putting the dynamic of this group at risk.
Make no mistake, no matter how impartial or supportive they might appear, people will choose sides. What’s worse is this battle line is drawn via consensus, meaning when shit hits the fan, one of you is guaranteed to be ejected from the group. It’s not always the person who’s been part of that group the longest either.
No less than THREE times have I seen members of long withstanding groups being outed for their attraction to newer editions. In all examples, the way they were treated by the core group was horrible and two of them ended up moving cities to rebrand themselves. The other, is quite literally a shell of their former shelf, unable to engage in their favourite hobby, where her friend comes from.
You really have to look at the big picture and realise there is much more to lose than just the friendship between the two of you.
4. Did this happen before and you want to repeat it?
Now it’s very possible that previously, under a heap of booze and drugs, you and your friend ended up having this spur of the moment sex. But you’re both adults, you both enjoyed it and no one was hurt.
They decided to brush it under the carpet and put that down to a fun experience.
Unfortunately though, you didn’t.
The shit hits the fan when you either want it to happen again, or want it to occur under different circumstances, going from having opportunistic drunken fuck buddy to wanting to make sober love.
Problem is, lightning doesn’t strike twice and what’s good for the goose, certainly isn’t good for the gander.
You tend to find this type of scenario happens quite often between heterosexual women who end up having Bi-encounters ‘for fun’ in the moment but are not interested in having a female girlfriend. Again, I’ve seen one woman physically recoil her oldest friend who made a serious sober advance on her after years of them kissing and dry humping while drunk.
5. Are you the right side of the Liker/Liked and Fox/Rabbit dynamic?
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I wrote about the interesting dynamic of internet dating and how the sites were set up to create a scenario where most people never leave.
In it, I described the typical attributes of two types of people
The Liker and the Liked
.Essentially, if you are the one with the desire to take things to the next level, you are the Liker, automatically making your (somewhat oblivious) friend the Liked.
But there’s another dynamic that ties into this.
The Rabbit and the Fox dynamic.
.Essentially, if you are actively trying to seek out the new dynamic with your friend, you are the Fox. Thus automatically making your friend the (again somewhat oblivious) Rabbit.
Now in order to describe any sexual dynamic between the two of you, you just combine the two.
So 90% of you will be The Liker and also the Fox making your friend the poor Liked and rabbit. Are you still with me? Cool beans
Below is a tabulated matrix showing all the possible dynamics between the two of you. If you seriously want to fuck your best friend, I’ve ranked them from the most to least ideal situation to be in.
|Liker||Rabbit||Liked||Fox||You like your friend and they are actively pursuing you||1st – Ideal|
|Liked||Fox||Liker||Rabbit||Your friend likes you and you are actively pursuing them||2nd – Somewhat Ideal|
|Liked||Rabbit||Liker||Fox||Your friend likes you and they are actively pursuing you||3rd – Not so Ideal|
|Liker||Fox||Liked||Rabbit||You like your friend and you actively pursuing them||4th – Least Ideal|
It’s clear from this who ends up being the chaser (the fox) and the liked (the Rabbit) has a biggest influence on the likelihood on whether things will turn out how you want. It also has a massive influence on the power dynamic set up between the pair of you during this time.
As clearly highlighted, 90% of you going into this are in the least ideal situation. You’ll have nothing to bargain with and will end up coming out empty handed because of it. If you truly want this to happen, you have to at the very least become the rabbit or the liked.
6. Are you a controversy seeker?
This is an interesting tidbit no one seems to cover.
I am a natural controversy seeker who in the past, loved getting into random situations for the love of a good tale. And there are not many tales out there that stand up to a victorious attempt at seducing one of the sweetest of forbidden fruits, the best friend.
But once you’ve written yourself into folklore. the reality of what follows can seem a bit bleh.
If you end up seriously thinking about using your friends as a plot device in the next chapter of your debauchery, then I suggest you do what I did and take a real good long look at yourselves before you end up hurting someone close to you.
Life is full of other wonderful stories to make, you just have to stop being lazy and go out and find them.
7. Are you Bored out of your Mind?
They say the devil makes work for idle hands and one normally doesn’t start scanning round seriously considering having sex with friends and colleagues unless there is a lull in their own personal life.
I would seriously consider what your intentions are here and determine whether or not it’s just opportunistic entertainment or if the feelings you have are indeed genuine.
You find when you reflect back on the situation, what you were feeling wasn’t sincere but the result of needing an object of desire.
From about 12-28, I’ve always had a single Object of desire, no matter what situation I was in and when I wasn’t seeing anyone, this always manifested within a close friend. However each time, I could sense something wasn’t quite right and never made a serious move.
Now I look back at 95% of those times as idle infatuations rather than genuine emotions. Now I wouldn’t want to pursue any of them and I certainly don’t think of them in the same regards.
8. Is anyone else likely to get hurt?
Throughout this piece, we’ve made the assumption that both parties are free and single but in real life, it’s not usually the case. We can easily end up in this situation where one or both parties are already in a pre-existing relationship and based on the nature of it, you’ll happen to know their partners fairly well.
So if it’s you in the relationship, are you willing to leave your partner before and gamble on the outcome? Are you going to try and cheat on your partner and have the comfort of knowing you can go back to them if it doesn’t work out?
If it’s them, are you willing to screw over an innocent party in all of this and turn a nice person into someone who ends up being a dick in their next relationship because they were hurt?
One of the sad realities is people do come across as more attractive when they are unavailable. The old conundrum takes president.
‘If you’re such a catch, then why aren’t you taken’.
Same goes for your friend, your attraction to them will peak when they are with someone and especially if they are going through a rough patch.
This is ‘friend fucking’ nectar
I’m not even gonna cover the impact this might have on dependents like children and intertwining of families and shit. The whole thing is one messy minefield and it’s best to try and keep collateral damage to a minimum.
9. Is either party just using the other?
You often find this dynamic occurs where one friend will purposely keep another around to make themselves feel better. This is usually when their main relationship is rocky, or if they are pursuing someone else they aren’t sure they’ll get, or they just as an extra ego boost when they’re feeling down.
You’ll be able to spot these people pretty easily. They exist in friendships between folks that don’t tend to have much in common and are in different leagues lookwise. You’ll also find one person longlining glaring at the other when they don’t think they are being seen, while the other is often heard referring to them as ‘sweet’ and ‘nice’, while setting them up with less attractive folk.
In this situation, the dominant friend won’t admit it but at times when they are down, they’ll lead the meeker one into thinking the potential for more is available, whether it’s sexual or as part of a proper relationship.
When the dominant one is feeling vulnerable, this could even lead to sexual contact.
Personally I say as long as both parties are aware of what is going on from the get go and both get something out of it, there’s no real problem here.
The issue arises when one party is being emotionally taken advantage of and our made to believe this is the start of something more.
If you are the one wanting to fuck your friend, in order to make yourself feel better, than you should have a little sit down and think about what this friend really is to you.
As much as you think it’ll make you feel good in that instant, it won’t change how you feel about yourself, not in the long run. Instead you’ll feel worse for being capable of being that low.
If someone who’s kept you forever in the friend zone, out of the blue wants to have sex you, unless you’ve done a superhero body transformation or won the lottery, I would be very very cautious about agreeing.
Sure your sexy bits might be shouting ‘about fucking time’ but you should questions their motives and guard your heart, this is usually the precursor for you getting seriously hurt especially if there are genuine emotions involved.
In the end, you’ll be unable to believe someone you’ve kept in such high regard treated you like that, and that can mark the end of the friendship altogether. If not, you’ll certainly feel bad for allowing someone to treat you like shit.
10. Are you both on the same wavelength?
A super important question to ask and for me, this is the real deal breaker here.
You often find even between old best friends that end up fucking, there is a real lack of communication about the evolution of their relationship. Once it passes that point of no return, it becomes a real silent place where discussions about intent and emotions go out of the window. This is usually because it ends up being an agenda only one of you is pushing.
Even if it is discussed and agreed upon, there are normally assumptions made about what you are and where you are going and you know what happens when you make assumptions.
Suddenly that person you used to confide everything with to ends up being a complete stranger when all forms of communication eventually shuts down.
Now you leave with nothing
11. Are you happy with living a lie?
Once you garner the desire to fuck your friend, that shit never really goes away.
Now pretty much anytime you interact with them, there’s gonna be a part of your mind that is constantly going to badger you about doing something about it, while conjuring up images of you and them in a whole heap of beautiful and adventurous positions.
But at the moment, you’re still just friends and nothing has changed. So you pretend everything is just honkey dory.
It sounds simple on paper but it’s not always as easy as it seems.
- You gotta pretend you haven’t been touching yourself thinking about the two of you together.
- You gotta pretend you don’t want to pull them to the side and kiss them passionately while sliding your hand into their pants.
- You gotta pretend to be listening to them talk while contemplating never having the joy of having their lips and tongues glide across your nether regions.
And you have to do it all the damn time. All day everyday
The question is, are you willing to continue to live out this lie indefinitely?
Can you handle never knowing living with the idea that you let an opportunity like this slip pass your fingers? Are you going to be telling this bitter tale to your children like that dweeb from How I met your Mother 20 years later with regret?
It’s not an easy call to make, not by a long shot.
The real lie though is that once you decide you want to fuck them, you actually stop being their friend and you become just like everyone else who wants a ride.
Can your ego handle seeing yourself in that different kinda light?
12. Are you a natural gambler?
When you are in this situation it’s no different than being in a high stake poker match.
Essentially you need to weigh up the pros and cons of your current friendship against the ever tempting unknown. And you can’t do that ‘grass is always greener’ bullshit either, you really gotta figure out what you want going forward because the truth is you can’t have both.
By being best friends with someone, you’re essentially at a half way safety point in your relationship with them and you are faced with that ‘Double or quits’ scenario.
Do you go for the home run or do you settle on first base and let someone else take all the glory.
Is the glass half full or half empty. Does this glass need to be full? Are you even thirsty?
Natural gamblers will always take risks no matter what odds they are faced with, if you find you are reckless with money or your diet or with other responsibilities in your life, I guarantee you’ll also be reckless with this shit.
Just avoid getting into this situation at all costs, cut ties and start hanging out with uglier people. Because nothing I or anyone says will help you through this.
13. Can you live without this person?
Let’s face it, these situations are likely to end in some form of train wreck (and this can occur at any stage on the process) so you need to ask yourself wholeheartedly whether or not you wish for this person to remain by your side for the rest of your life?
Because the only way you can somewhat guarantee that is by keeping them a friend.
Intimate relationships tend to be far more volatile with a shorter shelf life. Also as friends, you’d have seen each other dating and will have preconceived ideas of what it’s like to be in that position, which probably does more harm than good.
But you have to consider the burden of whether or not the sex or the cuddles or the 4 weeks of the honey moon period is worth losing your best friend forever.
Because trust me, once it ends, they aren’t going to go back to being your friends . No way no how.
14. Can you find a new best friend?
A lot of people take this role very seriously, appointing a young sprocket to the title before realising what type of role it is. It’s amazing, becoming someone’s best friend is a job most of us manage to achieve without ever interviewing for the position.
And while a lot of people end up with this notion that they can fuck their best friend and get the best of both worlds, the reality is that once you cross that boundary, you both have that role up for grabs.
Half of the best friend’s job description is to help you vent your relationship woes but how can you now vent when the shoe is on the other foot?
Better start getting that ad ready for craigslist
I’m all out of topics
Alright, I think I covered most of what I wanted to there. There’s a lot to mull over there and I hope it helps.
If you would like what I personally think, I will give you my take of it below
What would I do in your situation?
Personally I have never given in to the temptation of this scenario when confronted with it and I firmly believe I would always say no and there is a fundamental reason why.
Surprisingly, it’s not a selfless altruistic moral reason but it’s an incredibly selfish one. My number one rule when it comes to this is…
The Dream is ALWAYS sweeter than the reality.
Always always always. Always, ALWAYS!!!!
There has never been a time when the reality of a situation has come close to matching my expectations of it.
So my pedigree chums, why should this be any different?
Furthermore, why would I want to tamper with that slightly naughty but contained beast eh? If I keep it as just that, in my most private moments when I’m alone, I can’t see why anyone would get hurt, as long as I realise that it’s just a fantasy.
And why would you want to ruin a perfectly good fantasy?
It’s just that simple.
That’s some shitty ass bullshit
I know there will be tons of people reading this that goes
‘Oh that’s bad Advice’, I was brave enough to pursue my best friend and we’re expecting our 2nd child this winter, I couldn’t be more happy.
And the’re right, life is short, Carpe Diem, Rules are made to be broken and who has the right to cap anyone’s potential happiness. Certainly, not I.
Here is the clincher.
I’m not speaking about them, I’m speaking about you in your dilemma.
They are the exception to the rule but if you are here in the middle of the night, asking google a question about whether or not to engage in sex with your best friend, then you SHOULD NOT BE HAVING SEX WITH THEM.
Asking Google relationship advice is KEY INDICATOR what you are about to do is a pile of shit. Most people start their questioning already knowing what the right answer is but they trawl the net for hours looking for that one piece of advice that will help consolidate their fucked up mindset.
Well guess what, you won’t find it here.
Keep that shit a fantasy and move the fuck on.