The beauty of youth – Why Older men cheat and rebound with younger women
The beauty of youth
I’m going to use this opportunity to share with you my own personal insight on why I think Older men end up with Younger women, specifically in a rebound or mistress/cheating/affair type scenario.
You may not agree with me and if you don’t feel free to leave your thoughts on the comment section but personally I think this shit is air tight.
On this venture I’ll also be covering the following
- What attracts people to one another
- Why your partners always end up cheating on you
- Why we love bad guys
- The relationship-evolution presumption
- How men and women change in relationships
- How to stop people cheating on you
so don’t get butt hurt if I dip into other stuff, that’s just how I roll :).
First, I’ll lead you into how this topic of discussion came about.
All that glitters isn’t gold
I was recently chatting to a work colleague about long distance relationships and she told me she was seeing someone abroad.
She spoke positively about their relationship when they were together but revealed, even though she wanted to, she couldn’t trust him when they were apart because she had been cheated on in the past, by most of her other boyfriends and ex-husband.
Regardless of their relative ages, in almost all cases, the infidelity had occurred with a younger woman.
In hindsight, this explained a lot about her. She appears to have spent tons of money on transforming her looks. You name it, she had done it.
- Collagen Lip injections,
- Nose Job
- Breast implants
- Hair extensions
- Skin peels
For her, she simply believed if you aren’t happy with a part of you, you can get it changed, no worries, no drama, no fuss. I have no problem with that, it’s empowering.
And she was confident too, a gym fanatic who would complain about a current figure most women would die for.
To be fair, she thought she had to be on top of her game, as her distant partner was a personal trainer.
Keeping up with the Jones is a necessity when they’re just in lycra, infront of your significant other and temptation comes across his path literally every single day.
So I guess in her mind, keeping fit and youthful looking, would stop her partner from the temptation of cheating, even though she wasn’t around. She could now compete on the level of those he was likely to cheat with, removing any reason for infidelity.
But something wasn’t quite right and what she was saying didn’t match up with her overall attitude.
Cause and Effect
So here my colleague is clearly a person who understand the process of cause and effect.
She sees the cause for the men in her life cheating, is based on the effect of the other women being younger looking than her.
Therefore in order to counter it, she does everything she can to maintain her youth and compete with them on that level.
Unless you are blessed with poor genetics, 35 isn’t the time when you should be considering a full body overall,even if you’re in the media eye 24/7.
If you buy into that logic you’ll be forever ice-skating uphill trying to maintain it, like Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes her and we all know how that ended
BUT she is adamant it’s the youthful body and complexion that is the issue and if she maintains hers, she is golden.
To be fair, she does, her body is fantastic and no one could argue that she isn’t in great shape. She has a better physique than most people 20 years younger than her. She literally has her own gravity and men within 5 metres of her are compelled to come over for small chat. What’s worse is when she walks passed them, they literally fumble and drop things. It’s pretty funny to watch.
Here’s the kicker though
If a youthful physique alone, was the mitigating factor on why her exes cheated on her, why is she still worried?
There’s got to be more to it than that and of course it must come down to the relationship dynamic.
Two wrongs don’t make a right
Firstly, while in a relationship, you can’t blame innocent people, for the past mistakes of others. This is an age-old recipe for history repeating itself. In fact tempting fate like that is almost like giving someone permission to screw you over.
You never end up being comfortable with them because you think they are cheating and they end up cheating because they never felt comfortable around you in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle
Even so, let’s look at her previous relationships for a second.
If the same thing kept happening that caused them all to end, then one must come to the conclusion that is isn’t the men here at complete fault.
Either she keeps picking the same types of idiots or she must be acting in a manner that is driving them to the arms of another.
But let’s give her the benefit of the doubt
What if men generally do prefer younger women?
Overall though this got me thinking on why men, older men specifically, in well established relationships cheat with younger women.
I ended up settling on this.
Why do we enter into relationship?
When people enter a relationship it is for a few reason and they aren’t all pretty either.
- To be with someone you can have fun with
- To be with someone you wanna ****
- To be with someone who will make you wanna be better
- To be with someone who loves you,
- To be with a partner who you can go through lives trails with
- To be with someone you can control
- To be with someone who can control you
- To be in something secure
- To scratch your ego
- To be with someone who can offer you kids
- To be with someone who looks after you
At any given point in time, these will all have a different level of importance but when it comes to raw initial attraction, you can’t underestimate the importance of that FUN factor.
Why we love bad guys?
When we all started liking people, it was the fun factor alongside the animal attraction that was the big bait. It’s why all of us have had infatuations with the bad boys and girls at school.
You know, the naughty ones who used to stay out late, sneak out and party and were the first ones to start smoking and drinking and having sex etc.
The trailblazers of life so to speak. Even if your heart ultimately settled on the shy academic with the straight A and glasses, you wouldn’t have passed up a chance of Mr or Mrs Mayhem in their Hayday.
The key point is, when it comes to understanding the why, we often get confused on what drives our attraction to these rebels. Often many people will be heard mumbling something like
I just love a bad boy.
This is mostly nonsense.
It isn’t because they were bad, it’s because they were free.
Born to be Wild
School, was something none of us would have chosen to take part in, opting to hang out and socialise instead. However, it was a regime we had no control over and most of us succumbed to regardless.
The trouble makers were those who decided to go
“Fuck it, you’re not gonna tell me what to do”
and carved up their own destiny by making and sticking to their own individual choices.
They did what they wanted, when they wanted and screwed what might happen to them tomorrow, over the fun they were having now.
And for a lot of people, this is the essence of that bad boy/girl fascination. Most people are attracted to people who have what many people don’t.
You only have to look at these fictional examples to see the pattern emerge for yourself
Captain Jack Sparrow, a pirate a wanted man, a scrubby bastard with bad teeth and a drinking problem, who quite possibly smells of lice and wee, is one of the most sought after fictional characters in Hollywood. How many women have dreamt up being swept away on a Caribbean adventure with him
Or Tyler Durden, a sociopath psychotic creation who wants to destroy the world as we know it, yet most women would give up their loveless marriages for 30 minutes of passion with him.
Even Mr grey, the clearly warped Aspergers syndrome ridden psychopath wanna be with mommy issues longer than my hand, has women swooning for him because he carves out his own dirt path.
It’s all because they all choose operate outside of our controlled social norms.
They are all anti-heroes.
This is what gets us all hot and bothered when you step back and look at the big picture. The ability to be with….
Someone who will whisk you away on another random fun adventure, time after time after time.
Someone who allows you to escape the shackles of your every day prison sentence, you call life.
Someone who if only momentarily, has the wonderful gift of making you feel free.
is all that really matters
The freedom banner, under the guise of fun is not to be underestimated, it is capable of overriding hundreds of thousands of years of natural selection based attraction, making you leave behind your ideal partner and two kids, on nothing more than a heart flutter.
It’s seriously powerful stuff
I’ll have the steak and chip with a beer please?
Oooh, I got a bit sidetracked then but it will all prove relevant later on.
Let’s get back to that initial attraction between a man and a woman.
So when a man meets a suitable woman, most would be happy if things stayed just the way they did when it started. For the dynamic to remain the same as when the relationship was still fresh.
They’d happily ride that honeymoon-period rodeo right off into the sunset and I say Why not? Firstly, everything is new and shiny and who doesn’t like new and shiny. Then come all the good bits
- You went out
- Got to know one another
- Explored shit with one another
- Got fucked
- You had FUN
In essence they become the embodiment of that fun factor I was talking about earlier
Most men are quite simple and when they enter into something that initially caters to our needs, they simply hope it stays that way. No drama.
To illustrate, if they were at a restaurant and they ordered a steak, then got served a steak and consumed a steak, they would have no problem at all because that’s what they wanted and expected.
Women tend to act differently
Excuse me ma’am, this isn’t what I ordered?
It’s quite often that as soon as a lady meets a suitable man, they change or more accurately their needs change. It’s like a bear who hunted and was king of the land, for all of spring and summer, then suddenly starts gathering food and shelter for the winter.
Women can literally stop being adventurous and start thinking about hibernating, overnight, although most tend to change slowly, so slowly, they don’t even realise they are doing it.
All the raw traits that originally attracted men to them go out of the window and the relationship or dating phase turns into a partnership phase.
Now there is nothing wrong with this phase (I personally enjoy it, then again I’m a masochist) but it is a phase that is usually ushered in by one person and is never something that both parties enter into at the same time.
It is this unwilling change in the relationship dynamic that usually brings about the start of the duress. I like to call this…
The relationship evolution presumption
One partner stops living in the present and starts living in the ever impending future. Because of this, they start thinking and acting on what they need to be doing now, in order to match that projection of themselves they see in the future.
And it’s usually the other person who picks up the tab because somewhere along the line, the one doing the projecting changes the entire dynamic of the relationship. They presume there is trouble up ahead and the other party is incapable of naturally doing something about it.
So this manifest in either micromanaging the relationship, worrying about the future or simply bickering.
To illustrate, it would be like a woman ordering a steak at a restaurant, then making the assumption she is going to get served a burger when what she really wanted all along was some lobster, then holding the restaurant at fault for the meal she is about to have, even before tasting it.
The third wheel
Any way if you don’t manage to wriggle out of it or show face, It all becomes super serious super quick, especially when kids are involved, there is nothing more sobering than a dynamic of a present of impending child to zap the fun outta something.
And it’s hard for men, they do not psychologically bond with children as mothers do, they don’t have the fuckers inside them for nine months making their live’s hell, only to become the greatest joys moments later.
Most men don’t even get a say in the creation or their interactions with kids. They simply have the law laid down by the moms and they either have to lump it and conform, or skidaddle. When reading this chapter, you probably thought the ‘third wheel’ related to the kids involved, oh no, it refers the men.
Very soon, that partnership phase can morph yet again into the all so familiar dictatorship phase, which is basically the same as the partnership phase but with more disappointment and less fun.
It’s like being told that you are going to fight Mike Tyson in 9 months and you can either train for it or take a raw beating. Either way you know you’re fucked, you’re not gonna win and you’re life will never be the same again.
I won’t solely blame kids, this phenomenon happens, to various degrees, at any point when you start sharing responsibilities with one another.
- Sharing a flat home
- Sharing a cupboard
- Sharing groceries
- Sharing a car
- Sharing a pet
- Sharing a mortgage
- Sharing a life partnership
For men though, arguably, nothing’s changed, they still wanna party, get pissed, stay up late, game, fuck like rabbits and have fun and all of a sudden, that mirror image identity who once reciprocated and embraced all those things has disappeared and isn’t coming back any time soon.
So all of a sudden, you find that you’ve lost a HUGE part of a relationship that brought you close to someone in the first place.
No matter how much you hide it,that itch just never goes away.
Time’s running out, don’t waste mine
Unlike the natural bear, who changes and decides to start gathering food for hibernation,on a fixed yearly cycle, the time span for this change in behaviour in women, is not a fixed constant.
As you and your natural dating demographic gets older, or the number of dependencies involved increases, you find that this pattern repeats itself faster and faster and faster.
What took 2 years to initially manifest in your teens now takes 2 months to manifest in your early 40s. Usually the underlying factors are this
- Maturer women people date less for fun and if they do they date people for much shorter periods.
- Maturer women believe they have a better grasp of what they want
- Maturer women have ALWAYS got at least one eye on the biological clock
I mean seriously, it’s like you can actually hear the ovary time bomb ticking away. Everyone is now being sized up as a time-waster and every relationship has to potentially lead to the one. Men now have to deal with this sort of mentality
Going with the flow and naturally seeing where life takes you is no longer and option, you now know exactly where things need to go and how to get there and things need to progress relatively fast.
It’s like having a work experience kid in for a week and within two months wanting them to be the CEO of a multi-national conglomerate. This is perhaps a kid who doesn’t even know what they wanna do with their lives yet.
It’s a tall order to ask and very little of this process keeps that rebellious freedom and liberal element to it.
It’s all relatively serious, structured and planned in comparison and ironically sweeps away alot of the romance of a relationship..
When a man love a woman?
So if a man finds himself in this situation against his will but decides to stick with it for some time, it will eventually take its toll on him, eroding him away from the inside. The longer he stays and the older he gets, the more of him goes until he’s practically dead behind the eyes.
And No matter how solid a relationship is, if a man meets up with a woman who happens to embody freedom, like they still want to, they will ignite this lost fire within his soul and the men will grow an infatuation with this entity.
If this is reciprocated and there’s a moment of moral ambiguity, their partner at home is going to get left behind.
It’s not likely to be a forever thing but like I said, there is just an itch, you can’t deny needs to be scratched.
This is all good and dandy but why does it always tend to still be with younger women?
For me it’s simple
The reason those young ditzy blondes seem to get all the attention, regardless of how dumb society wants to paint them, is surprisingly because, they embrace the the same essential traits as the bad guys and girls we all loved when we were younger.
They embody Freedom
Younger women still have that lust for freedom, they have nothing to prove to themselves yet or society or their kids or moms or any of that, they are simply living life as it should be and it is this freedom that is attractive.
Don’t believe me? Well Cyndi Lauper does
So based on all of that, I’ve come to the conclusion it isn’t the youth of other women that older men are attracted to but the freedom they represent.
Their current relationship is not what they initially wanted, and the younger individual embodies all those lost traits in their current partner because it ultimately comes down to still wanting to be with someone who is Fun and Free.
To illustrate again, it’s like going into a restaurant and ordering a steak and then getting served a chicken pie.
The pie may be nice and you’ll eat it but you’ll still rather take up a steak if there’s one going because that’s what you really wanted.
The Angelina Jolie effect Case Study
I’ll like to sum this whole thing up with a well known case I’d like to call the Angelina Jolie Effect.
I mean come on, let’s face it, both men and women are not super picky when it comes to physical prowess and only a small part of our overall attraction to people is based on looks alone.
ATTITUDE will get you further any day of the week than looks will. Make no mistake about it.
I mean, are you going to tell me that any guy would have pass up Angelina Jolie in her prime, Hell no.
But alot of people would pass her up now and you know why.
It’s not because she’s older and her looks have faded. They haven’t
It’s because she’s probably not fun anymore. She is definitely no longer the embodiment of freedom
She’s lost that loving feeling, she’s a mother hen now and dare say, regardless of her rebellious youth, I bet she wouldn’t know Freedom now if it kicked her in the ass.
Remember how she just took Brad away from Jennifer Aniston’s more serious-orientated relationship, for a more fun dynamic with a younger woman,that was freedom incarnate, she saw what she wanted and she took it and Brad was helpless to do anything about it. That’s fucking hot. So hot that no one gave either of them any slack for it, the world just went, ‘fair enough’.
Roll on a few years a head and a tribe sized family, I bet it’s now her way or the high way. Ironically, Angelina under her new regime, is now susceptible to Brad doing the same thing to her, as he did to Jennifer.
It wouldn’t be for the new lady’s younger looks either but for her having the same attitude and Angelina’s past self.
Tell me why
So when my work colleague spends all this money and time keeping her body in top shape, I think she is barking up the wrong tree, it isn’t the pert bodies of younger woman that got her exes to cheat.
It’s because she changed.
I think she becomes very intense very quickly while also becoming increasingly insecure at the same time.
By being insecure in a relationship, you automatically enter the least attractive state you can be in while with someone, by becoming the complete opposite of free,
You become a slave to it
In most situations, once you’re here, your fate is sealed..It’s not a matter of if, rather a matter of when.
How to stop men cheating?
So you wanna know what I told her was the best way to keep her current future and partners? It basically went something like this
Getting old doesn’t mean getting and staying serious all the time. I know we can’t party forever and I also know that life will pass you by if you aren’t prepared to seize it with both hands but at times, you just gotta let go and see where it takes you.
I know from my own personal experience that once you’ve been holding on for so long and you’re so close to your dream that it seems impossible to let go. However, more often then not, the dream is never as sweet in reality, and the fall from letting go of it, is never as bad either.
Learn to let go and be free to land where ever, be bold and be brave
Be free and you will find very quickly that you become beautiful again in the eyes of your loved ones. For there is nothing more attractive than taking a journey into the unknown with a wildcard up your sleeve.
Just make sure you’re the winning card and not someone else.
She looked at me puzzling, then asked me if I thought he still found her beautiful. Then proceeded to ask him via text.
I’m not sure she got it, turns out she ended up dumping him anyway.
Oh well, what did SIa say about Elastic Hearts again?