Building the perfect woman from celebrity leftovers….
We have the technology, we can built it
We’re all guilty of doing something along these lines at one point or time or another
Dissecting people into individual attributes and liking them as sums of parts rather than complete individuals.
Then we take this modular approach to affection
- If only he had this other guy’s personality
- If only she had this other girl’s eyes
- If only he was packing
- If only she wasn’t a rotten drunk.
What most people consider to be love is generally considered as conditional love/affection. No one is ever really 100% wham bam thank you ma’am. Accepted fully in cash with no money back guarantee.
I wonder when we all started to think this way about people?
The only thing I can perhaps come up with is the modern day interpretation of Frankenstein that is John Hughes’ 1985 classic, WEIRD SCIENCE.
For those of you who haven’t watched it, these loser kids decide that rather than chasing the stuck up ladies in their school, they’d build a hot one from scratch via their nerdy supercomputer and gain the notoreity that usually comes from being associated with such an individual.
Sounds like a legit Dragon’s Den investment for me…
One nerdy note here but it’s ironic that one of the kids ends up being Iron man in the future. That;s right, one of the stars of this is indeed Robert Downey Jnr before the rehab and it looks like Tony Starks was using Jarvis to help him design fapping machines before he decided to help design war machines. Go figure
Anyho, rather than make any old woman, they decide to conjur up the perfect one. These kids end up cutting out different pieces from a magazine and feeding it into a computer and letting it do its magic.
The result is it spits out Kelly Le brock.
Anywho, it’s a great film, go check it out
Plagiary is the best form of Flattery
So this concept has been continued and when newspapers are a little bit short of genuine news, they decide to use this type of journalism to ask people of celebrities with their favourite body parts and then merge them together. That or they go about blending faces together or celebrities to try and come up with the perfect look. Science has even intervened and now you have all sorts of bullshit about the perfect proportion of various facial features to one another and facial symmetry.
To be fair, the entire thing is complete nonesense and the entire thing is subjective, especially culturally and this changes with time. What was considered attractive 50 years ago may no longer be relevant now and so on and so forth.
Anyone participating in something like this clearly has too much time on their hands and has nothing better to do.
SO on that note, let me dive right into my own special blend of Developing the perfect woman.
My Basis for SCIENTIFIC analysis
Now I don’t have a super face blending computer of sorts and no science ratio bollocks to follow. However, I do have a whole bunch of pictures and I’m going to feed them into a slideshow and once that’s all done, I can try and determine which individual has the majority of the features I would associate with an attractive person.
For this task, I am assembling a list of every mainstream celebrity I have ever found particularly attractive from the time I no longer found girls to be icky.
This has been particularly difficult as I don’t (or at least before this) have a celebrity type. Most of the time, I prefer to relate more to people’s personalities (awwwwww, liar) and the physiques of fitness type modesl. There would be no point listing those all here, so I’ll do a fan favourite and go with celebrities. At least that way we can have audience participation with the mandatory
Good Choice my man, you sir have a wise eye
Oh Noooo, She’s awful, what’s wrong with you????
SO below is a slideshow of all the entries. Body related entries will have body/bikini shots, face related ones will just be close ups
Names will eventually be listed but at this moment in time, I can’t be arsed
Right on with the show,…
Novembre Pleut’s Sexy Elite
To Accompany this, we have some music from D’angelo to set the mood
Me and those Dreaming eyes of mine – D’Angelo
My apparent type
So it’s very easy to say you don’t have a type but when you start putting this type of thing together and also have a quick spot check of the types of people you are attracted to in real life, then there is no real hiding these coincidences.
So after having a look, here are the traits I picked up from my long list above.
- Long dark natural wavy hair
- dark haired bobs
- Short blond hair (ideally with a quiff)
- Blue eyes
- sleeve tattoos
- people who can sneer
- good teeth
- roman noses
- wide shoulders
- Glaswegian accent
- thick limbs
- defined muscly legs
- Facial beauty spots (gotta love assymetry)
- small breasts
- arched top lip
- genuinely athletic and not just skinny (gotta have some muscle)
- slightly chubby faces
- great calves
- infections laughs and smiles
- chiseled faces
- tall 5 ft 8 plus…
- pale skin
- long sideburns
- slight natural dark skin
- deep or grainy voice
- great hip to waist ratio
- British accent
- free spirits
- flirts in a childish manner
- socially aware
- Looks great in a dress although only wears them on occasion
- hard working
And the winner is
Now, I really did have someone in mind when I first was putting this together as they seemed to embody the majority of the traits I liked, I was going for a little bit of everything and under that premise there is only ever really going to be one woman who comes out on tops of this.
So unless the computer is made of cheese and ass, it should spit out….Pink (a slightly taller version mind you)
I think overall pink has the majority of the facial features and most importantly pretty much all of the personality ones, which is kinda a big deal in the grand scheme of things, so yeah, Pink wins the universe
However, on review of some of these pictures I’ve come to realise that my main president for being attracted to someone physically is my desire to wish to kiss them.
On going through my list I came accross Amelle from ‘Never leave you’ video
and I swear to god, I want to gather all my belongings, set them on fire, quit my job, give all my savings to charity and just live in her mouth.
It’s beyond perfect and somewhat unexpected when stacked up against everything else, which brings me back to one of my original points
Beauty is not supposed to be blended and spliced, it is a unique entity spat out by mostly 80% chance, 15% diet and lifestyle and the rest is just sprinkles of magic dust to make it glitter.
Try not to focus too much on this idealism of perfect, most of the time you’ll find perfection amongst the ranks of the unexpected, usually right before your very eyes. It will hit you like a revelation and will hopefully undo society’s norms of being somewhat…unsatisfied. Once you find it, I hope it never leaves you too…