How Degrading – A peak at my last school report EVER!!!

Oooh, look what I found

I recently moved from one home to another and we all know that when this usually happens, amidst the usual panic of trying to fit your ever growing collection of junk into your ever reducing number of  viable suitcases, you end up rediscovering a whole world of gems you happen to keep and never unpack as you flee from place to place to place

Well this time, I came across something quite nostalgic. It was my last ever school report. From way back of the depths of 2001

Now I’m not sure of whether this phenomenon happens with everyone but for me, during schooling days, at the end of each term (3 in a year), we’d get a brief report of how a student had performed during that period.

Which roughly translates for me to three times a year when I’d get my ass kicked by my parents.

Now this wasn’t because I wasn’t performing, most of the time, my grades would be acceptable for achievement but it was the effort grades that always let me down. I’m sure you’ve all had the following type of analysis of you at some point.

Novembre Pleut generally provides high quality work but it is never consistent and he doesn’t seem to pay attention in class and ends up distracting/being distracted by others. He would do much better if he concentrated in class

Then parents will get butt hurt, which will ironically end up with me getting butt hurt too. C’est la Vie….



Not Angwy,,just dissapointed

Now for some reason which I can’t quite understand, parents used to get a real hard on for effort grades being lower than achievement, as if the holy grail of ‘It doesn’t matter what you get, as long as you are trying your hardest’ really matters. I think in reality is complete bullshit.

Who wants to have Timmy for a son, the deplorable hard worker who’s destined to lay cones on the motorway. That or setting up a beef burger franchise in India…


FUCK THAT, ROYALLY. There’s a time and place to apply yourself and I don’t necessarily believe the small generic stage of a secondary school is one of them. Fair enough, you have to do enough to get by to the next stage but that is the be all and end all.

The very reason I’m showing you all this highlights the reality of just how little the influence of school can have on anything if you do enough to sneak by and peak your efforts when it’s genuinely important. While alot of people see certain stages of the educational development being pivotal in the roadmap of who they end up becoming, this blueprint certainly isn’t universal.

Life will also teach very quickly that effort does not always equal results, no matter how much we pave the brick road in yellow.


Shouldn’t your folks have this Novie?

The mere fact that I ever have a copy of this is a testament to how much I hated reports landing at home. You’d be having an amazing vacation when all of a sudden, you wake up one day to find the look on your parent’s face had changed and reality had soon hit that today was going to be fucking long.

I couldn’t deal with this bullshit anymore by the time I was leaving school, so I lied to my folks and said that we weren’t getting a final report since we were about to leave the school.

The notion of a whole bunch of teachers sticking one last set of middle fingers up at the kids that terrorised them seemed a little bit too far fetched for my parents, so they swallowed that white lie.

All the while I had bribed one of my older brothers to intercept the letter for me as he left for work. This was no easy feat as my dad had a habit of not sleeping for long periods of time and would usually wake up at all random hours of the night to conveniently be there when the postman decided to send me my own private invitation to an  ass whoop, first class. Fortunately though, it all paid off.

Let’s see the final scores

Now originally, I was going to go through each one of these reports and give my own final report on what was said and how I can reflect on it in the 12 odd years since it was written.

However, I just couldn’t be fucked :(.

So instead, I’ll just put my rant right after the end of everything in one big final year report……report…

There will be five subject breakdowns from each of my teachers alongside three qualitative assessments from my tutor, housemaster and headmaster to close.

Right, let’s see just how badly I did..

Mathematics – Mechanical

Achievement – B

Effort – B

Novembre’s performance throughout the term has been very good and encouraging. He should keep up with this work. In exams, he should try to give himself time to revise his methods and answers so as to avoid slips. Moreover, his his Mechanical module, it would be beneficial if he could review the topic on dynamics comprehensively.

Good luck



Achievement – B

Effort – B

Novembre has completed four of the six modules required for A level physics and is well placed to be awarded a Grade B in August. He has worked consistently hard throughout his final year and deserves to do well in his final examinations

It has been a pleasure to teach Novembre, he has an inquiring mind and always asks pertinent questions, his practical work has been satisfactory. I do hope he enjoys University and I wish him well in his chosen career.


Geography Physical

Achievement – D/C

Effort – C/D

It has been a constant struggle to get work in from Novembre although it CAN be of a good standard when it finally arrives. He remained positive and focused during the revision programme and I hope that he has worked hard enough to achieve a reasonable grade. I wish him every success for the future.


Geography Human

Achievement – C

Effort – C

Novembre’s interest and commitment have worsened and waned this year but he is capable of getting a reasonable good grade if only he has applied himself properly in his revision.

I wish him well for the future.


Mathematics – Pure

Achievement – C

Effort – C

Novembre is a good A level mathematician. However throughout the course he has not worked hard enough to improve his skill. He has also failed to take the advise of his teachers, or take advantage of extra lessons offered. If he has revised thoroughly, he should still achieve a good grade but it could have been better.


Tutor’s report

Novembre has fluctuated in his approach to his studies this year. When on task, he provides work of a high quality standard. At other times he is difficult to motivate. He has the ability to do well and with enough careful preparation and revision, he should achieve the grades he deserves. Best of luck in your future career, Novembre.


Housemaster’s report

One thing I have learned about Novembre in the four years I have known him is that Novembre will do what Novembre wants to do.

This is not meant as a criticism, rather an acknowledgement of Novembre’s strength of character, his motivation, his stubbornness but also his focused approach to life . Subsequently, Novembre’s academic performances have fluctuated dramatically over the last twelve months but at every stage, it has been Novembre calling the shot and I am sure he will take full responsibility for his results.

As Novembre approaches the end of his seventh and final year in this boarding house, I hope he leaves with fond memories and will always consider it home. Novembre’s larger than life character will be sorely missed in this house and I shall particularly miss his honesty and integrity. I am extremely grateful for the countless times Novembre has helped me in the running of this house and I wish him every success in the future.


Headmaster’s report

This is a very positive final report, Novembre. Well Done!!

I do hope that your efforts will have been rewarded with success in the exams

With my best wishes for the future,

Numb Nuts


Here’s what I think of that malarkey!!!

It’s real funny, the whole thing feels like one big washing of hands. None of these teachers are willing to take any form of responsibility over the last seven year build up and nicely attempt to clear their conscious of their lack of creativity in inciting me to learn and put it all predetermined failures down to me.

It’s quite surprising that this is pretty much the case in corporate life. You are led to believe you should all work as a team for the same goals in a no blame culture but as soon as shit is about to hit the fan, everyone starts to cover up their own asses, while simultaneously leaving yours wide open.


Not that I mind but it is interesting. It’s very easy to apparently just let someone go and if they don’t have the strength to guide themselves, they can end up being completely wayward while you sleep well at night with no remorse.

But is this really justifiable|, especially to get this on the cusp of obtaining social independence?


It could easily be me

Last year, I got a call from one of my friends to check a link in the paper, the link was to the article below

This lady was in our class back in school, we were friends. I found it incredibly hard to believe that someone who had went to quite a prestigious (who am i Kidding, prestigious on paper yet it was a overly priced dump) private school could have sank so low.


Blind ninja attire and Tony stark movember Goatee added for additional effect

And years earlier teachers were treating her with the same time of indifference and lack of interaction in class. She was considered dead weight and was subsequently expelled for some reason or another. That’s when I lost contact with her.

I just can’t help wondering where the fission between her life and mine started and how easily one could fall from grace without the support of those you’re supposed to entrust to keep you on the path.


Biased Evaluations

Going back to my report, I also know that teachers in general have to write a plethora of these reports for all their students and it can be quite tiresome to come up with something unique but man, this is like the final epitaph in a 7 year history at an establishment I literally lived and breathed.

It just felt a little bit empty, I got filler material from everyone,  all bar my housemaster’s report. I suppose his is supposed to be the most personal but even his assessment appeared to look like a ‘Can’t control him, his fate is in his hands?’.

Now I don’t know whether this is a genuine testament to myself because in the end, all are fates belong to us, and his review of me appears to be somewhat accurate. Those who have read anything I’ve ever published on this place or who are unfortunate enough to know me personally can probably relate to alot of the comments made by him

Certainly more than my headmaster’s comments who I’m pretty sure didn’t even know who i was, that was right up until i ended up in hospital for drinking a litre and a half of vodka in 30 minutes (oh what a fun halloween night, that letter home got intercepted too, woop woop).


Or maybe it’s only the students that genuinely affect the teachers in a positive way that get the good reports. It’s funny that teachers do not necessarily always report on students based on their achievements, progress and efforts, rather than their personal relationship with them. I know alot of people who worked even less than I did yet happened to get much more glowing results because they were school celebrities (sports, drama, head of houses, Model United Nations, Oxbridge candidates).


One thing this report doesn’t reflect is just how alone I was during my final year. Let me clarify I state, Alone, rather than lonely.

When I joined the school in my first year way back in 1994, I was the only person boarding in my year and there was a year gap between me and the next kids in the dorm.

This was fine for many years but it was coming obvious that all the people iIwas growing up with were eventually going to leave me on my tod.

By my last year, I had out lasted three house masters, about ten house tutors, most of the furniture, decor everything. I was actually a living relic. at some times, I felt like buck rogers, having time travelled into a future where to some extent I was no longer relevant.


So with that, when I left, I didn’t feel like i was leaving anything particularly behind, which is good and bad I suppose.

Which is where alot of the indifference they reported on probably stemmed from. I wonder if any of them picked up on that fact?

A similar experience happened when I was leaving Sheffield and I had maxxed that city to death. A lesson going forward is to not overstay your welcome in anyone place and to keep pushing ahead.

Being last man standing usually means your the guy who picks up the tab at the end of the night

Not always wise


Final Summary

In 2001, a few people meh’d me out of existence in their learning establishment.

Were they right to?

Am I to be haunted by their assessments of me throughout my employment career?

WOrst still, will I ever find my destiny slot where I can fully exert all my efforts?

If so will it make any impact? Will I have missed my peak?


Really and truly, I’m not fussed by this and evn though this article may imply the opposite, I’m not particularly to bothered by the impression the outside world has of me. I’m strong enough to not be affected by this and I’m content enough with the course my life has taken in the last 12 years (even though I may sometimes moan about it).

Although it is always interesting (and not always necessarily influencing) to see how others perceive you and where their trajectory of you has you land.

Sometimes some people are way off, yet others seem to hit the nail on the head right off the bat. It’s just a shame when that nail is going into a negative coffin, they don’t have the testicular fortitude to do something about it.

I guess, maybe that’s why they say

Those who can’t, Teach

It certainly makes you wonder

Let me know Your own experiences

Here’s a chance to interact in the comments.

Let me know what you were like in school

WHat the teachers thought about you

Did you turn into the people that they and your classmates thought you would

That’s all your homework for tonight

Thank you all

Class dismissed