My Gran-diloquent speech

On the eve of my 50th anniversary with my beloved partner, I was cordially asked by one of my nosy grandchildren to

 ‘Give 15 reasons why I never killed Grandpa?’

Now my instinctive response was to blare out…

 Well he wasn’t always a little shit!!!

After pausing and steering at the man himself fumbling with his zipper on the dancefloor for far longer than was sociably acceptable, I took pity on him and decided honesty wasn’t the best policy.


The best approach would be to simply just find a copy of our wedding vows,  from a time when I still cared about the idiot, dust off my reading glasses and quietly narrate it to my inquisitive grandchild.

As my eyesight has gotten considerably worse and with my goldfish memory, I thought I would remember the gist and freeroll instead of show myself up as a blind cenile bat.

Now bear in mind, my marbles are starting to fade at my age and I have a tendency to fade in and out of points but hopefully, Lilly the hamster made it through the operation.

So with that, I found it on my old ipad, dusted it off and began to read it with my own special ad lib.



Admitting Defeat

Before I start, I’d just like to let you know that admitting this out loud not only to my husband but to everyone around here is definitely going to hurt like shit, so let’s skim on the ‘awwwws’ and ‘aaaahhhhhss’ and just get on with it….

Before I met you, I thought I was strong. In reflection, I never truly understood the concept till you engulfed my life with your 3 true core strengths.

  1.  Your strength of character
  2. Your strength of passion
  3. And most importantly, your strength of chicken korma…

You cracked the code, you cracked my code, all effortlessly without an enigma machine and with no intention to sell my deepest darkest secrets to those who would wish to see me fail.

You stood tall over the barrier I’ve spent my whole life building to keep people out. With one big swing of your mallet you caved in my inner walls (My god, I wish this was literal and not metaphorical captain 4 inch),  for the first time in a long time, I obtained a strong desire to live and look forward to the future.

You see the me I hide from the world, even the versions I hide from myself. And more importantly just accepted and love them all equally.

You accept me,

You love me.

All of me

Even the ugly bits

Even the farty bits :-/

Come rain,

Even without shine.

You truly are mine.

So blissfully divine.

You are my spinach in a muscle bound sailor’s utopia.

The last bus home after a night out

The winning penalty kick in extra time.

My twenty pound note found in a washed pair of jeans.

My home toilet after spending a  blocked up weekend camping.

My game winning three pointer at the buzzer from the half way line.

My hamlet cigar on a bad day.

The sucker kick to the groin when scrapping with my siblings

My burger and chips after a week of dieting

My Las Vegas All-in Big win

My ecstasy come up to my favourite song.

My favourite dvd  comedy boxset with a big tub of ice cream.

My very own Kevin Costner celebrity star struck experience (DON’T JUDGE ME).

Your hugs cure all ailments, bad bosses, runny noses, grazed egos (not syphilis though). In your embrace, my soul sighs as my mind soliloquies at the notion of just how easily you turn my frowns upside down.

I tried to remember the last time I cried anything other than tears of laughter or pride and it’s all down to you why I couldn’t. At the slightest moment of upset, you sing Nina Simone’s ‘Hear comes the sun’ to me and I can’t help but smile at just how  wonderful you are to me.

You charmed the living shit outta my parents and managed to become the son they always wanted. They were more ecstatic to hear of our engagement than anyone else. They were so proud to leave their daughter in the hands of such an honourable gentleman. If only they knew you were wearing my panties most of those trips we had to theirs for the holidays.

You challenge me to be a better person, creatively nurturing, subliminally leading, subconsciously healing, all selflessly without needing.

You keep me grounded and soaring at the same time. Flinging from one of life’s adventures to the next. Like a shit scared flying squizzel.

With this small push, you became my safety net, allowing me to take leaps of faith into the unknown. Each and every time I didn’t quite make it, there you’d be to catch me, help me up and push me to try again.

You are my greatest advocate. When I hear you talking to people about me, I feel all coy and nervous that you have so much faith in me, I want to spend the rest of my days living up to your testament of me.

You loved my kids as if they were your own even when theirs didn’t. From their first birthdays with you, their first nightmares, first day of school, with their homework, their first dates, their first driving lessons, their first sneaking out to a club. You shared in all their first steps, gently leading them into the unknown with all the care of a saint. It meant so much to me for them to have a father role model and you welcomed this with open arms. I can’t thank you enough for this.

I’ve never once caught you looking at my sisters or friends in a way that would make me want to lob a frying pan across the room at your stupid head like a discuss. Fair play mister, fair play. I’m still watching you though…..don’t think I’ll ever stop…

You make me laugh and not because you think you are funny (because you’re not) but you simply don’t care what the world thinks of you. You are willing to make a fool out of yourself time after time to put a smile on the face of others. That’s something quite special indeed. You even make me look good on the dancefloor with your funky chicken and rusty robot antics, How epic is that.

I remember the first time I woke up without you by my side and how alone I felt. I remember noting to you then that I never wanted to feel that way again. Day in, day out, you’ve kept that silent promise to me and I love you that lil bit more every morning for it.

With all this in mind, I soon realised that spending the rest of my life with you would quickly became one of the top things to do on my bucket list and if it’s only thing I ever accomplished, I’d be happy with my innings (Would be happier with Kevin Costner mind you…)

Promise me you’ll never change and I promise you my love for you will never dwindle

With that, I finally admit defeat.

I am yours truly.


After my conclusion, young timmy looked at me with some awe, paused for a moment and said

‘If I had what you had, I’m gonna be a lucky boy’

I finished with

‘If I had what you had, I’d stay well clear of Jimmy Saville’

And that is when  my wicked daughter in law and I started the ruckus your honour and I would have finished it if timmy hadn’t called the cops…