These are my confessions…
Hold your breath
I Emilia, of sound body and mind, am writing to you to confess to something treacherous.
I have haboured this crime for a long time
And never once dared tell a soul.
I now feel that it’s time to confess my sins to you.
Even though this will never justify the acts I committed.
I am not asking for your forgiveness,
When the time comes, that will be between myself and my beloved maker
But I do hope you can at least understand the predicament I was left in
And that I truly believed from the bottom of my heart
That I had no other choice.
That is all in this point of time I could ask for.
I had been with my husband for 14 years
He was the only man I had ever been in love with
My father walked out on me and my mother when I was 6
With some bimbo he got knocked up during a management work conference,
So when I met my would-be husband at 19, I thought he’d be the only man to ever really love me
So I stayed by him and prayed to God night after night that he would never leave me.
Like how my father had abandoned us
And I kept praying.
Even the first time he raised his voice at me for not having his favourite meal ready on his birthday.
I prayed for him
Or the first time when his eyes changed and went cold in public, like I meant nothing to him
I prayed for him
Even when he started to demoralise me and question my character and isolate me from my family, friends and work colleagues
I prayed for him
And when he called me a whore for wearing those mini-skirts I used to have to work in
I prayed for him
Or when h…..he… held me up against the wall for coming home late and choked me when I went blue and nearly swallowed my tongue
I prayed for him
Even the first time he called me disgusting and fat for having two slices of cake on my birthday and wouldn’t be intimate with me for a week.
Or the first time he busted my nose open for over spending on the shopping budget
Or cracked a rib of mine for something so small, I honestly can’t even remember the details over the striking pain
Or locked me in the while he went away for the weekend and I had to eat….. out of date food at the back of the cupboard to not starve to death…
My love for him never wavered.
And neither did my prayers.
Back then, I didn’t know why I stayed..
I guess I believed this was my penance for a past life and karma for crimes unbeknown to me.
Actually that is a lie, I know exactly why I did it.
My mother, God rest her soul, even though she never meant to
I noticed she never looked at me the same when my father walked out on us
I could tell that she held me completely responsible
For the demise of her perfect pert sporty body
The start of her post natal depression
And then the drink
Which is what I used to hear them screaming about when I was little
And I suppose that’s what pushed him into the arms (and beds) of multiple women
Before finally deciding on one worth leaving his family for.
Yes, that’s right, she held me completely responsible for all of that, a six year old…
I couldn’t even spell responsible back then, typical…
After that, my mother brought me up in a strict religious fashion
She made us turn to the Lord to get us through the rough times.
And got us to believe he would deliver us from the hardships.
To some extent, it did work, she was right. We got better and the drinking stopped.
Even so though, I knew she never did forgive me for my past crimes
This was manifested in her constant prayers for me
That I wouldn’t drive away another soul and ruin another family
She said ‘The Lord would never leave you, like everyone else would’
As much as I shouldn’t, to this day, I still believe those words she tarnished me with
As much as any psalm or gospel from the scripture
I believed I was cursed and my only way out was through God himself.
I believed if I committed myself to the cause, the Lord would act in my best interests and he would not abandon me.
On the contrary he would provide me with the strength to walk the path he had laid out for me.
For this I would be eternally thankful for his graces and mercies.
So that is ultimately why I stayed with my husband
But things started to change when I fell pregnant.
Surprisingly for the better
And eventually for the worst.
He didn’t lay a finger on me throughout both my pregnancies and each time I thought we had turned a corner
Each time I was just deluding myself
It’s funny, his actions weren’t induced by alcohol, drug abuse stress or anything else you could perhaps blame.
Infact I never knew what the triggers were that would cause him to turn
I just learned over time to not fight back,
Fighting back just meant it got worse and took twice as long to finish
So I adapted instead to fake being concussed so he would stop sooner and leave me alone
Even to the point of not controlling my bowel movements to sign off the performance
Just anything to make it stop, especially with the kids around,
I eventually also learned to do it all without even making a noise, so I didn’t disturb their sleep routines
But you can’t always pretend under these circumstances
So one night,after spending time with the boys in the park
I noticed my hair was getting fairly long
So I decided to leave the children at my mothers while I got a hair cut and coloured
To fit in with the summer trend at the time.
To be fair, it was probably the best haircut and style I’d ever have
I’d never look so pretty
When I got home, he took one look at my hair
And asked who I had got it cut for
Suddenly he was accusing me of cheating on him.
After I had put the boys to bed in the attic,
He suddenly came up behind me, pulled me around…
And slapped me out of the blue, then punched me really hard in the gut
It must have been just underneath my diaphragm because the blow took my legs right from under me
Then he started yanking me by the hair and pulled me down a flight of stairs all the way to our bedroom
I had just spent all day rolling around in the park with the boys and my hayfever was going at full force
My ears were still ringing from that thundering slap and I…I just wasn’t strong enough to be quiet today,
He caught me off guard and I was in real agony
He took out a pair of scissors and said
‘Let’s see how pretty your lover thinks you are when he sees the bald fat slut you really are’
And he started to cut my hair while periodically stopping to bust my lip open.
Without even realising it, I was wailing in full force..I hadn’t been this upset in years
I honestly had never looked so pretty…
While he was laying into me,
My eldest son, walked into the room holding his younger brother’s hand
After being woken up by the noise they’d been quietly been stood by the door.
I guess my noise had gotten them up
I don’t know how long they were there for and how much they had actually seen
I didn’t even notice them at first
That was until the eldest had the courage to scream…
‘s.s…s.s.stop hitting mommy’
In his bravest little voice
my little soldier
I glanced up but my husband didn’t hear
All I could see out of my bruised left eye was
His normally sweet cute little face, curled up into an angry ball
As he ran in his pjs over to his father’s leg
And he started to kick it.
My husband stopped as he’d just realised what had happened
And his eyes changed,
Like that first time on his birthday all those years ago
He lifted his leg and flung my boy right across the room
I didn’t see how he landed but he didn’t make a noise
I feared for the worst…
My husband got off me and turned around
I swear, in that moment,
I have never felt despair like I did right then
My heart fell into the hidden pits of my stomach
And I nearly threw up in my mouth
I would have cried rivers if I had any tears left
He was heading for my boys
He was going to injure my boys
If he hit them with anywhere as much force as he’s hit me before
He was going to kill my boys
He dropped me to the floor and turned his back to me
And he slowly moved in towards them
Pure instinct ran through me
I scrambled myself off the floor
Picked up the hardest thing I could within arm’s reach
And I ran at him
And I hit him….hard….right in the skull
And kept hitting him as hard as I could
I remember feeling his head crack under the weight of one of the blows
And the vibration of ringing of the alarm clock in my hand
I guess that’s what I must have picked up
And I kept hitting him till the batteries fell out
All I could think of was my boys and their safety
I must have got him in the soft bump on the top of his head
As blood splattered out of if like a geyser
Covering the mouldy walls and stained carpets with crimson.
He shrugged me off him with a purely reactive elbow to the face
And knocked me down again.
But I had to get up
Because I knew this would be the turning point
I knew that after this
If he ever caught me again, that would be it, my life would be over
And then he would come after my two children
I couldn’t let that happen
So I quickly searched around for what I could find
And my reaching hands, quickly pulled out the skipping rope from under the bed
Left there from when he last whipped me with it
The skipping rope he bought because he said I was too fat
And would rather be dead than be seen out with me
I double looped the chord in my hand
I climbed up on the bed and leapt onto his back
I looped the coil over his head and around his neck
And held down at the two ends so it would arrest against his adam’s apple
And for the love of God
And I prayed
He must have been caught by surprise as I heard him choking really hard
In an attempt to get me off his back, He started staggering around,
Trying to bash me into things while his arms wailed widely
He instinctively found the wardrobe door and kept swinging me into it
So the handle daggered right into my swollen ribs
Over and over and over
After the beating he had just given me I was amazed how I didn’t pass out
I must have been running on pure adrenaline
But all I could think about at the time
Was making sure I could get some eye contact with my eldest boy
Who I could now see was lying passed out on the floor
So my attention moved to finding his little brother
And when I did, there was only one thing I wanted to do,
One message that he needed to hear
My entire existence as a mother boiled down to this one moment
I took a deep breath
And at the top of my lungs
But nothing came out
So he didn’t move
Even if I screamed like a hurricane
I still think he would’ve been too scared to
Too scared to even flinch…
Instead he got closer and closer
As my husband found the strength to take increasingly larger staggers towards him
WIth me still on his back
Soon he loomed over my little one and had a hand out to reaching for his neck
He was no more than a few fingertips away from him as he bent himself forward
I wasn’t going to stop him.
Not like this
So I took my right foot and kicked it into his right knee pit
This made him buckled down on one knee
And I took the opportunity to reposition myself
So I could take my left knee and jammed it into his back
While yanking up hard on the rope round his neck
And I used all my weight leverage
To stagger him backwards
And topple us both onto our backs
He collaspsed on top of me
And the weight of his body winded me as I landed badly.
With all the pain and the hayfever I was suffering from
I lost my breath and my body went limp
I couldn’t hold on to the rope any longer and I was just not fit enough to continue this fight
After all my work,
It was going to lead to nothing
We were going to lose
My husband turned around, straddled me and started to strangle me with both hands
The blood from the wound in his head had covered the top of his forehead and eyes now
And had started to drip onto my face and into my gasped open mouth, all mixed with his sweat
He was like a rabbid wild beast
The only man to have ever loved me,
Wasn’t a man at all
He was now shown up as the complete monster he truly was
“How could I have let it get this bad?” I kept thinking to myself
Over and over and over…
I started to scratch at his face
And tried to wrestle him off me
But my body had given up the will to live
And to be honest, so had I
I realised I had lost,
I couldn’t fight for me or for my kids anymore
I just wanted it to be over now.
So I went silent
And waited for him to kill me
As my left hand dropped to the floor
It hit something cold and metallic
The pair of scissors my husband was using to cut my hair
What seemed like a lifetime ago
Were now in my grasp
I didn’t have time to overanalyze this
Or second guess my actions
Their was only two choices to make
Act or Die
And for the first time in my life
I didn’t pray for him.
I swung that blade deep into his neck
Hooked my legs around him and pushed his head down into my chest
Add held him suffocating there
Until his neck bled out completely on top of me
All while my youngest child started wailing in the background.
And for the first time in a long time
I was relieved
My Boys were Safe
My prayers were finally answered
It was all over
I need to make one thing clear at this moment
I didn’t kill their father
I didn’t kill my husband
I didn’t kill a man
I murdered a monster
And my Kids never got to feel any ounce of what I did all those years
And I confess to you now
There’s not an ounce of me that minds rotting in jail for the rest of my life for this,
Or burning in hell for eternity.
Not. One. Fucking. Ounce
But this isn’t the act I wanted to confess
This was the fairy tale I ended up praying for
This was the escape
My coping mechanism through all the screams
The real confession is this
In reality, nothing had changed.
He still beat me
He still shamed me
I’m was still trapped.
And for some reason
I still prayed for him
And my deepest regret is, I stood idly by
While he did the same to you both.
My two boys…
You were both there that night.
You know how this tale really ended.
That was the night he started hitting you both as well
And put one of you in hospital
And traumatized the other for life
Throughout it all
I did nothing and told no one,
I made up excuses to cover it all up
I guess on some deep level
I was happy it wasn’t just me
I wasn’t cursed like my mother had said all those years ago
I wasn’t cursed
But that’s besides the point now
If you are reading this, then it seems that I have finally got my comeuppance
From the lord himself
I didn’t make it out.
I am now confessing my guilt to you, my children,
That I was never strong enough to do anything about it.
And worst of all, I took the courage out of all of you to take control of your lives
As I had failed to do in mine.
Now I am in a place where he can’t hurt me anymore
But I’ve left you both vulnerable, unprepared and unprotected.
And all through this, the only thing that keeps ringing through my ears is
Praise God he didn’t leave me,
Praise God he didn’t leave me
Praise God he didn’t leave me
Shit, reading this back just brings back how fucked up this whole thing really is
And maybe it wasn’t me that was destined to be cursed
But you two instead…
How could I have allowed that?
What type of mother am I?
I’m so so sorry.
Please pray for me.