My Top Ten Moments from the London 2012 Olympics


On your marks, set….

For the last 2 weeks, we’ve all been glued to the screen as we take our 4 yearly dose of sporting greatness.

This is a summary of my best bits so far

THE LIST IS 14 LONG, BUT TOP TEN SOUNDS BETTER, SUE ME

14 And here we….go…..

Now after seeing the spectacle the Chinese put on in Beijing (my brother still goes on about that drumming to this day), everyone was shit scared of what London was going to pull off, especially when you consider the half arsed attempt of the handing over ceremony with Boris and the red bus nonsense. So when the whole show was about to start, I was more than a lil petrified that London was going to show itself up as being inadequate.

But boy was I wrong

It’s nice to see the industrial revolution shown in such great light and seeing the smokestacks rise from the ground and the big Olympic rings lower into place was quite something.

Gotta admit, wasn’t turned on by the whole kiddy section but loved the music renditions in the last section too.

A great start to a fabulous piece to get the ball rolling

And while nothing will ever beat the Barcelona arrow (which if you watch back carefully actually misses the cauldron), you have to give props to having a tiny flame for all the countries to make one big unified flame.

Nice one Danny Boyle

On an added note, to all those who care, I used to go to primary school with the lady who did the announcing in the stadium, my mom was going ecstatic at her new found claim to fame. So it was always nice to see an old friend doing well for herself

After all this ended up as the games for the girls…

13. IIIIPPOOOONNNNN

Every four years I get excited in anticipation to readily hear the greatest phrase on earth while I watch a whole bunch of Judo. This phrase of greatness is IPPON

It is the most succinct word in the world. It roughly translates from Japanese to…

I just lifted your fatty ass of the ground and smashed your turd pretty cocky face into the fucking tarmac bitch. Who’s your daddy, who is your fuckinG DADDAY? Suck my ass and lick my balls you miserable excuse for a piece of shit and wallow in your cruddy douche existence for anothe while you go home with nothing but gravel smashed into your face and cry for four years about how pathetic your life is, you horrible excuse for an athlete. By the way, I’m boning your partner,  your cat loves me more than you and I also just farted in your face.

Here is a video of some classic Ippons, I don’t have any footage from the games as such but every time someone got destroyed, I got a little tingly feeling inside me.

12 It ain’t over till it’s over…

Here we see how a young athlete  with some speedos  and a butterfly, managed what biblical David did to Goliath with a slingshot

Deicide

The 200 race was lost in everyone’s mind but Chad’s. He fought and won that medal with his very last stroke, pushing with all his might. unbelievable.

Defeating your hero, the man you looked up to, arguably in his prime, in the greatest sporting spectacle on earth, while the entire world watches…

Nothing gets better than that.

To top it off, we got to see this boy, standing on a podium while the most beautiful national anthem in the world played.

So beautiful I’ve already written about it. Here

He is and forever will the the last person to beat Michael Phelps in a competitive race.

On a side note ‘Chad’s Dad’ is epic. if there was a gold medal for being a parent, he’d come fourth 🙂

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11. Two laps of honour

For me in this tournament, the track events haven’t been that special. You can say all you want about Jessica Ennis and Usain Bolt but neither of them failed to do anything we hadn’t ‘really seen before’.

But David Rudisha did.

I’ve never seen the 800 metres run like a sprint, nor have I seen someone which such a beautiful running pattern as David, he looks majestic in his strides.

He has done what no other individual athletics athlete has managed to do this games so far.

Set a world record.

He will be overlooked by media but the Olympics isn’t about media. We’ve started to get it wrong, it’s about legacy and what people leave behind.

The times.

It’s the times that inspire people to run faster, soar higher, jump further and eclipse all those who came before them,

Gold medals will come and go but world records set like that….?

It’ll be a long while till someone has the tenacity to break whatever time Rudisha finally leaves on the sport. There is though,  an eerie satisfaction of knowing, one day, someone will.

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10. Flipping ‘eck

Gymnastics for me has always been a female oogling sport but when the Male British team started making waves from the last Olympics, the media powers that be thought it was time to take it seriously and for the first time, it was given a significant amount of air time.

Personally, I was thankful it did because the final was just absolutely gripping.

The team consisted of an assortment of varying characters from the cool and controlled leader, to the suave gentlemen of the pummel horse and to the younger rookies at their first major competitions, showing the older generations how it’s done.

The final just about had everything you could imagine. Drama, suspense, moments of brilliance and gut wrenching agony.

The gold medal was always out of contention but when the British team found themselves in second place after a fantastic performance and a fumble by the Japanese, the stadium went mad and so did the presenters. I too was caught up in this and never in a million years did anyone in the team think a position like that was possible, it was after all their first men’s qualification for the final, ever.

But unfortunately an appeal by the Japanese was raised and held, causing points deducted for a bad horse dismount to be put back, thus moving them back into second position from fourth, leaving the Ukraine team previously in third, completely devastated.

I felt the pain of seeing Britain relegated to third but the team didn’t and they were very proud of their accomplishments because now they had belief.

You can’t buy that kinda momentum and I believe this is the start of something very special for British male gymnastics.

The finest spectacle of the entire games, without a shadow of a doubt.

ps

louis smith is officially the hottest bastard of this entire games and has the best haircut of anything ever

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9. Omnium elimination

Now this race is just the tits….the TITS on wheels!!!

Whoever came up with this format is a cruel cruel bastard and they should have versions of it in ALL EVENTS

Every 2 laps, the last bastard is eliminated, causing crazy commotions throughout

If you are going to win an omnium elimination, this is the best way to do it

8.O no you did’unt

At the start of the games, the British team were taken their time to start getting the flurry of medals in and the media were all starting to try and point fingers at athletes that hadn’t ‘delivered’.

Plenty of cases of this were putting words into athlete’s mouths, while being the same culprits who built up the expectations of their deliver to insurmountable levels.

And when it came the turn for Rebecca Adlinton, the double Olympic champion from Beijing, they let her off in the 400 metres for getting a bronze but they were set on going for her in the 800 since it was her favoured event.

While she swum a great race, an unknown youngster had done what Rebecca did four years earlier and blown the rest of the competition away.

You could see the screws of the media already starting to turn but as soon as she finished, Rebecca got up and went to the commentary station and basically blasted them. There’s no losing in swimming when you win any colour medal and she was going to have it known anyone who thought less of her for obtaining a bronze would be all the wiser to keeping their underachieving mouths shut.

Immediately after that, everyone had to apologise for what they had said previously and ‘explain what they really meant’.

Rebecca knew her biggest bout that night wouldn’t be with the competitors in the pool but with the media and by damn was she ready.

Now when looking at that, did she really lose, scores look like Rebecca one – British media zilch to me…

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7. I would have won if it wasn’t for those pesky kids!!!

This year the honour of lighting the Olympic torch was given to the promising talents of the future.

But one thing they didn’t tell us is that we don’t have to wait for the future for these stars to light up the place, the kids are here NOW and they are showing us all how it’s done.

Whether it is the  Chinese female swimmer, Ye Shiwen, South African Chad Le Clos, the Lithuanian swimmer, Ruta Meilutyte, 800 freestyle champion Katie Ledecky or my favorite kid of the games

Kirani James, the new 400 metres Olympic champion.

This guy runs under 44 seconds and runs like an asshat. His raw potential is just phenomenal. Even the great Michael Johnson said he would be the one to take his record. probably the greatest track record of all.

These children of tomorrow were all showing us that the games have changed and now it’s time for a new generation to step forward and take responsibility for endorsing the very best of physical peak performance.

I’ve reached an age now where I am far too old to relate to most sporting athletes so I have to give props to the people underneath me, now carrying the flag. They are carrying the world on their shoulders at such a young age and who knows what blistering trailblazing heights they will soar to.

The unknown future rolls toward us.

I face it, for the first time,

with a sense of hope

– Sarah Connor

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6. People in Glass Houses shouldn’t throw penises..

In a world where people can’t keep their damn mouths shut and want to shoot people when they are up, or even worse on their way up, Semenya got a pretty hard hit.

She just happened to be wrong place wrong time and when you are that good, people start to look at you funny.

I thought her international running career was finished so I was completely surprised to not only see her at the games but bearing her national flag. What a triumph against small minded biggoted people everywhere.

You can all suck it….

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5. Know your role and SHUT YOUR MOUTH

Pier Morgans, widely revered twat, after emigrating to America to work on an American chat show and also be a guest judge on ‘America’s got talent’, decided  to be British again for two weeks.

In order to fool people and generally because he likes the sound of his own voice,  he went on a rant about athletes singing the national anthem and said he would donate money for everyone who would sing the anthem.

Fair play, but the money he was going to donate was small fry, so it was more about self promotion rather than anything else.

So he had the gall to accuse  Tour de France winner and Olympic gold medalist, Bradley Wiggings of not being patriotic when singing the national anthem

To which I think I’ve see one of the greatest comebacks ever…

Piers, shut the fuck up, you twat!!!

4. Nigeria’s team diversity

After a parade of badly dressed African countries (especially Ghana, Mauritius and Cameroon), I had the privilege of seeing the Nigerians ‘dancing into the stadium’ like BOSSES.

EPIC in their native attire.

As I soaked up their all round goodness, the camera panned in and I caught a glimpse of this.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Caucasian and Asian Nigerians, COMPETING.

At first I thought, how badly must someone need to compete that they would turn NIGERIAN to enter the Olympics.

After thinking about it, it got me teary. Multicultural societies need to feed both ways, and this is one of the signs that things are working out for the better. These tiny ripples have massive ramifications But one day, one day….

3. Making ‘Herstory’

Jessica Ennis may have been the face of the home natiom’s games but the smile of it definitely went to Nicola Adams

Competing in a sport which has just been introduced for females after males have been boxing since the  start of modern Olympics, she was given the sparkling opportunity to become boxing’s first Olympic champion

So what did she do, She came in and literally battered her opponent Cancan, who had bum raided Nicola twice already this year.

She boxed, no out-boxed, no outclassed her opponent and earned the respect of not only a nation but a world audience.

She sent a testimony out there to all those who may doubt…

We can do it like you men can, no,actually  we can do it ‘better’.

Never has a female athlete in my mind been cheered more loudly

and this was a lady who doesn’t have any bitterness about her, about the lack of unfair opportunity, about not being able to represent her country at what she does best.

There’s not an ounce of anything but pure happiness in this. She simply waited patiently and prepared for her moment in the spotlight. She knew too well the sweet sound of destiny’s call.

2. Beach volleyball

Isn’t that the international code for ‘boink me’ ???

nuff said

1.Television GOLD

ANd here we are, we have reached the podium of probably my favourite olympic moment of this year’s games and i assure you it’s going to be a shocker…

I ask you all to please rise for your gold medalist moment of the Games….

The coach of the Netherland’s Male Hockeyteam is called

Paul Van Ass…..

….

Paul

Van

ASS!!!

I am still in shock by this and have yet to laugh. This has only happened to me once before in my life.

But the worst thing is that i am getting other people to laugh on my behalf.

This morning on the bus I whispered to the lady next to me this information.

she changed seats at the soonest least awkward opportunity.

I think one day seven years from now,when my mind has processed how awesome that is, I will die of laughter, but until then, I am dead inside.

Coach..van ASS….

Seriously guys, his Von penis was this big….

no words….just…no words…

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