MUSIC MONTH: The broken ballad of R Kelly


A little satire to kick off my well overdue MUSIC MONTH!!!! woop woop

I pray for a day history is erased and this is the only last surviving piece of evidence of how a certain event went down. Let me take you back to the events circa early 1990

and…

The untold rise to the World’s greatest by a nobody called R Kelly

And how he almost didn’t make it!!!

(Dum DUm DUUUUUUUM)

.

Somewhere in A promising record label office

Manager: Mr Kelly good to finally catch up with, we’ve been trying to get in contact with you for quite a while now

R Kelly: ‘Sup

Manager :I’m, Mr Biggs, interim manager of Talent relations and assistant general manager at this record label can you come in here please

R Kelly : No fucking diggity man

Manager: Er… does that mean yes

R Kelly: FO Fucking sure

*sits down*

Manager: Er, well the board are estatic about the way your last record She’s got that vibe came out, it was a stellar sucess

R Kelly: I told you it would be, you good for nothin’ doubting biatch…

Manager: We are looking at signing something long term with the group you represent.

R Kelly: Wow *sniffff* that’s great…

Manager: Are you alright there

R Kelly: Yeah, I’ve just got the snuffles, it’s my kid, I thought i’ve caught something from them, err, I mean off them, err, i mean er….oh fuck it, Bitch had crabs…What’s this deal then

Manager:  Well it’s a four million dollar deal to be split between the 4 of you

R Kelly: *SPITS* FOUR SHO!!!! that’s like….. *counts on fingers* 2 million dollars each, shiiiiit…

Manager: Well, something like that, we just need you and the others to sign here

R Kelly: Do I look like i’ve fucking held a pen motha fucka, I only hold blunts, 40s and colts and bitches. STRAIGHT UPPPPP!!!!

Manager: Well it’s a legally binding document, we just need you to confirm you are willing to do this thing with us

R Kelly: Well first of all, the group no longer exists playa hata

Manager: You disassembled, when exactly, everything was rosy

R Kelly: Since about 30 seconds ago, BIAAATCH

Manager: Are you allowed to do that, I mean we are happy to just sign you but aren’t the others part of the creative team.

R Kelly: Listen homie, The R in my name stands for ‘R don’t give a shit, SUKAAAAAAAAA!!!!’ Now, give me all this money before I blow a capity cap in  yo wackity wack ass.

Manager:

R Kelly: That’s just the way it is….

Manager:

R Kelly: Things will never be the saaaaaame

Manager:

R Kelly: That’s just the way it is, ba da dum, ba da dum, ba da dum…. Oh yeah…..
Manager: Is there any reason  you are singing a Tupac song that chornologically doesn’t exist yet

R Kelly: Beats the shit outta me 🙂

Manager: Ok, well the board are happy to sign you up as a single artist and provide the full funds to you rather than splitting up the pot, as long as you can…

R kelly: 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Manager: Meet the deadlines of the…

Manager: Er Mr Kelly, are you paying attention

R Kelly: 🙂 🙂 🙂 😉 🙂 😀 🙂 😀 🙂

Manager: Ugh, I know this may come out of the blue but is it alright if you could stop having that child felatting you under the desk, it’s not particularly kosher for them to be snorting cocaine off your johnson

R Kelly: Any nothing kosher up in here, Pretty damn sure I ain’t jewish even tho my daddy put a nice short back and sides on my 4play

Manager: don’t you mean foreskin

R Kelly: your fucking language playa… 😮

Manager:….

R Kelly: Fine, martesha, luanda, marbella leticuianacobra, get on home hom girl, i’ll go suck on those itty bitty titties later, SOULJAAAAAAAAAA

Luanda marbella leticuianacobra: Hey hay HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAy

Manager: Right, as I was saying,the board are happy to let you do your own thing but we need some really great hits to follow your worldwide smash vibe

R Kelly: Psssssh, you call that a hit, I could have shit that out without it touching the sides homie

Manager: Well good, we want to see you in a week’s time for a summary of your efforts with the CEO of the record company.

R Kelly: You mean the fat bastard who dresses as a baby and suckles on granny titty?

Manager: Er…..not really…that’s allegedly you Mr Kelly.

R Kelly: Would you look at that???? Small. FUCKING. WORLD.

Manager: anyway, We look forward to seeing you next week with some of what you got later.

R Kelly: The what now???

Manager: Next week with your songs, the board will be ready, see you then

R Kelly:….Fuck 😦 alright, later

*shit, I was just fucking with him, I cant spit two words together, this calls for a fucking acid trip and some blue fucking skittles*

_______

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

Manager: Good afternoon MR Kelly, glad to see you have pants on today and are fully dressed. To my left with have Denver Turnfield, the head of urban music and to my right we have Rory gurnstein, the CEO of this record company. They are very interested to see what works you have to follow up the big smash from your previous band.

R Kelly: 😀

Manager: Did you hear a word I just said..

R kelly: Blue skittles dude, blue skittles….

Manager : *sigh*, Shall we begin, show us how to help make you rich?

R Kelly: Well this is probably my best work to date even though it’s my first attempt at song writing and it came from a real special time when I was with my first honey and I was trying to court her and shit and about the mack daddy lines I laid down

Manager: Wow, that’s just what are market researchers said the market is crying out for, what’s this name of this diamond???

R Kelly: You remind me of a Jeep 🙂

Manager: *spits out coffee* are you serious?

R Kelly: as a stroke fuck face 😀

Manager: Wow, and that kinda romancing worked for you? What happened to her

R Kelly: I’ll find out once the restraining order has lasped

Manager: Well we probably need to change the working title of that  but we need something that may be more commercial, what else do you have

R Kelly: 😦 I guess I should also change the follow up single ‘Only the Boot can make me happy’ 😦

Manager: 😦

R Kelly: Hmm, right, this is a tough crowd. Right, you miserable mother fuckers, just because your ball tanks are still filled doesn’t mean you should be so uptight, try this one out on your wrinlky balls.

This is a spiritual number on getting your worth out of life and moving forward and all that hickory bollocks

Manager: Hmm, sounds promising, what’s it called

R Kelly: Well it’s a working title, but This bastard is called ‘I believe I can fly’

ta daaaa

🙂

Manager: …. (Jesus christ)

R Kelly: Ugh, right how about this one, I wrote an original and thought it was shit so I have already remixed it and it’s a great lil dance number to really get the booty shaking.

Manager: Alright… sounds promising, what is this one called

R Kelly: Remix to Ignition

Manager: …. Have you seen anyone about your car fornication obsession mr kelly

R Kelly: I don’t even know what a fornication is, let alone whether my car has one or not, although my car is mighty fiiiiiiine 🙂

Manager: ugh, next

R Kelly: I wrote a lil upbeat song about the town I grew up in, should be a great local hit.

Manager: Oh great, a song about Chicago, like the musical

R Kelly: No bitch, I’m not from Chicago

Manager: Where are you from then?

R Kelly: Gotham City

Manger: …..Good lord, he’s not even joking…

R Kelly:  What about my mother’s day piece

Manager: Oh god, there’s more

R Kelly: It’s called ‘Feeling on yo Booty’

Manager: Perhaps we should…

R Kelly: Or my new Easter jam which hides my love letter to Donald Duck

Manager: This couldn’t get any worse

R Kelly: Summer Bunnies

Manager: Even if that DID make any sense, Donald DUCK is not a Rabbit

R Kelly: It’s the fucking 90s, Donald Duck can be what the fuck he wants to be you racist fuck.

Manager: I knew I shouldn’t have left law school.

What about the club smash I’ve got called Bumb and Grind

Manager: hmmmm, sounds promising, sing me some of it

R Kelly: My mind’s telling me NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

but my BODY, my BODY is telling me YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

Manager: 🙂

R kelly: I don’t wanna hurt nobody…..BUT there is something, SOMETHIGN, I MUST CONFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESaaaaaaas…TO you

Manager: 🙂 🙂 😀

R Kelly: I don’t see nothing wrooooooooooooong………if she’s only eight or nine….I don’t see nothing wroooooooong….with babies, with BABIES!!!!

Manager: Is that…is that what I think it’s about…please tell me it’s not Mr Kelly, PLEASE!!!

R Kelly: 🙂 Then there’s the romantic follow up called Going half on a baby, something I thought up during a friday night out with the Guys, youknowwhati’msaying 😀

Manager: Thank God it’s friday

R Kelly: You been peaking at my shit Boi?

Manager: You’ll Never work in this industry

And the rest as they say, is history

_______________

I actually like R kelly, even though I wouldn’t trust him for a second with my 15 year old daughter, here’s a collection of his hits that didn’t make the cut
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