Lord Sugar’s isn’t so sweet

You’re Liared (to)

Alan sugar is a big fat hypocrite

For years he has been Britain’s equivalent to that comb over fuckwit Donald Trump,on the hit TV show, the apprentice. Pretending to give those who deserve it, a chance at the big time, but instead just being a royal cunt.

Known for his hard exterior and apparently business knowledge, he sets out various business (usually trade/selling) based tasks to a set of young babbling idiots in an attempt to find someone who is competent enough to be taken under his wing. To learn how to crumble a company as well as he did with AMstrad.

But he was doing a good thing with this show, Or that is so we thought.

Even though that may have been how it was like in the past, unfortunately, His tv show candour has changed.

Over the years, I have watched a few series of it and generally always thought that it worked. The crap always sank to the bottom and generally the best candidates always made it through and the winner was arguably always one of the best two candidates.

I mean obviously the people they got on the show weren’t always the creme de la creme but simply a bunch of worthy egotistical applicants who could do with a bit of a kicking up the arse or a glorified slice of humble pie, served up by the entire nation. This was fine, for all intense and purposes it worked but by no means did it always reflect the effectiveness of the process.

What he always made us believe was that He would look upon a candidate as relatively equal throughout the tasks at hand and if there was a balls up, would come to a rationale decision based on that task, happily dealing the glorified sacking to the culprit who was simply a bumbling idiot or the project manager who couldn’t tell their mouth from their arseholes or sell head-sized paper bags to Prince Charles.

Also what we were lead to believe is that what you had done in your previous experience up until this point was just enough to get you through the door and would not be looked upon when coming to making a decision on who stays and who leaves the process. That is of course unless he wanted to stitch you up and read out some vanity trash one of the candidates happened to put on their cv, or comedic effect when they balled it up royally.

I would also say my favourite parts of the show where when the results of the task were coming up and the team that thought they had done no wrong and were definitely going to win, ended up losing, and the expressions on their face would be absolutely priceless. Here all the comradely behaviour would soon dry up and be replaced with bitchy backstabbing ‘survival of the fittest’ back chat from people who would cremate their own families to get ahead at business, only to be shown up for the spineless toads they really are.

A large percentage of my favourite tv moments come from cock sure teams on the apprentice thinking they have walked away with a victory only to be shambolically beaten by the fumbling idiotic team next to them. Their once group synergy and religious appraisal of one another is soon back to back-stabbing confusion and betrayal of the highest order, while trying to suggest the only reason why they didn’t put their trousers on the wrong way round was due to your input. I find our species at its funniest when trying to abadon ship. I believe we revert to our true selves then.

Then SIr alan (or Lord Sugar as he is now referred to) would come in like the hero on a white horse and take out a villain or too, with a roaring cheer from the audience.

So the show was great and Sir Alan was too. He was good, he was fair, He was godlike and generally always right.

His greatest triumph

My favourite time of following him was when he had a guy on called Lee McQueen

THis guy never really put a foot wrong on the show. He was a bit of a geezer and was fundamental in all the teams he worked in and won all his tasks. During the interview stages, they found out that the had lied about finishing university on his CV. Perhaps a lil bit of a rookie mistake, or a gutsy move to get on the show on the first place. You could clearly see that amongst some of the top ‘book’ people in the country, he was more than capable of holding his own in reality but felt perhaps a lil bit intimidated on paper. So he told a fib

And sir alan gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though everyone else made it out to be a big thing. He eventually won the show, And I felt quite elated for him.

He showed the business is not something you necessarily have to learn but is a part of your DNA and no piece of paper can prove or disprove that notion. That day, Lord Alan showed the world he could read character in people and could smell a bargain in Lee Mccqueen, just as Lee had shown in the previous tasks.

It was a victory for all.

His first hurdle

Fastforward to another series and another strong ladycandidate, Joanna Riley

She was from the same kinda cloth as Lee Mcqueen but instead of coming from a sales background, SHe had her own company.

She was in the cleaning services industry and was looking for her next big slot. She knew her own mind and didn’t allow anyone to push her around. She always came up with great ideas and even though she may have rubbed people up the wrong way, she never had a detrimental affect on the team. I’m not sure if she was ever on a losing side but she certainly was never in the board room having a confrontation with sir alan. This and she also won all her tasks

Now come the interview session and she is asked some questions about business that are outside of her normal realms of unstanding. I believe while running her business, like all great business people, she kept things relatively simple. She may have been aware of many business terms but may have known them as other names or not by their technical names, so she came a lil unstuck.

To me, this is hardly an issue because it wouldn’t take a master musician who has never known the name of a note or chord to master the theory if they are a musical genius and can play anything from memory after just listening to it once.

But alas, for some reason, Lord Sugar decided that she was just ‘a cleaning lady’ and she should go and grow her own business and decided to send her packing.

THe irony of this is that when it came two candidates of that year, Joanna was picked by the eventual winner and ultimately came up for the brand identity and advertising campaign for the winning product. All while the winner took credit for it.

Not just a cleaner now.

See this is what annoys me, there were people in that final that had continuously fucked up throughout the series and had been in the boardroom countless times and apart from one stroke of genius had bumbled their way through the process. And a character like Joanne who was just as good, if not better than the winner, was dismissed on a ‘class’ identity technicality.

How ironic considering Sir Alan’s humble beginnings.

It was at this point that I didn’t think something was quite right. I know many people end up seeing their favourites eliminated in shows and think it’s unjust but in this process particularly, It seemed weird.

And for the first time in forever, I started to see it for what it was, It was a playground competition and people were getting picked to be in Lord Sugar’s football team. It had nothing to do with merit, it was no more than a popularity contest.

Now Sugartits, you’re just taking the piss

And a couple of more series of this show proved it to me.

His next big mistake was in last year’s adult show.

This version of the show was about not wanting an apprentice as such but instead wanting to invest in a business partner, so he wanted a lil bit more than what he got in his previous candidates. Fair dos, no issues there what so ever.

So there was this candidate called Helen who was amazing.

She won 9 out of the ten tasks she was given and won all three of the tasks that she managed. She pretty much had the show in the bag by any stretch of the imagination. Bar some tiny hiccups that wouldn’t even be picked up by the sheer magnitude of the idiocity of others, she was pretty flawless and it became internally obvious that no one in that line up had a chance in hell of beating her.

Then there was tom.

Tom was a 2d character, not particularly multi-faceted but quite good at seeing trends and forecasts, he had no real clout though or business gusto. His only claim to fame through the entire thing and the best impact he made, which wasn’t even during the process, was the invent a curved nail filer and managed to get it stocked in the biggest retailer in the world, WALMART. All on his tod.

Now week after week while Helen was winning tasks, Tom was losing them, continually on the losing side and continually being brought into the boardroom by his peers for his lack of contribution to their potential but each week he was let off the hook.

I started to smell a rotten fish

Worst. Ideas. Ever.

Even when it came to the last week, where their all had to provide a business plan, in all fairness, they all had kinda rubbish ideas. But the show made it seem like this would be what separated out the week from the strong and won the competition for someone.

Here are the business ideas in a nutshell

Helen wanted to invest in a company that wpould wait in for you to collect shopping and delivery at inconvenience times.


Sophie, the other female candidate wanted to grow her business model of her already established beauty stall but was using stupidly high business forecasts for her growth model,


Tom, wanted to spend time designing chairs that would correct posture and would limit, work absentee and perhaps also increase productivity while limiting ailments. Tom clearly doesn’t understand what it means to come up with an excuzse to throw a sicky and wants to invent a cure for a problem that is far smaller than perceived me thinks.

*stupid gobshite*

JIM (or as I like to call him CLINT) EASTWOOD (there is something about the word clint when typed in capitals that makes you take a double take, don’t you think, perhaps my mind is simply in the gutter, nom nom nom) wanted to have a non-profit entrepreneurial organisation that would get into schools and get children thinking about becoming the business leaders of the future. (puke).

***What an arse kissing mess who clearly was using the show as a stepping stone to advertise his own initiative, as see through as fuck me thinks***

None of these were awe inspiring ideas, and none of them particularly were in line with lord sugar’s powers and resources. They were pitching to completely the wrong end of the market but meh, it’s TV and the show must go on.

The clincher

So you can imagine my complete and utter faith in humanity when the person who had put in the hardest work across the entire series managed to come in only third. THIRD.

Winners never win.

Now normally I take great pleasure in giant killing and also in the little man coming out on top but this was just ridiculous. THe entire process had managed to lose its magic because it wasn’t about putting faith in the potential of a character over an already finished article who would have no issue finding employment elsewhere, it was just blatant cheating.

In hindsight, looking back the entire series, you could tell that lord sugar was in awe of the whole Walmart aspect from tom. In a sense, he had already decided a long while back that he was going to win and was just living a lie to the rest of the candidates, which to be fair is kinda a shame. he lead them all up the back alley.

How do I know?

As soon as tom won, during his show, Sir Alan pretty much said he should shed his chair idea and get back on the other stuff he was doing and keep his link with Walmart and just increase his product line.

So not only did he lie to the entire world about the process and how candidates would go about being picked, he took a guy who was frustrated and bored with a certain product, and wanted to progress into a more ethical/worthy application of his skills, to abandon this and regress to focusing on simplistic products for the image conscious growing minority.

If Tom could get his idea scrapped, why not the other candidates, oh that’s right, because tom had already done 90% of the work in his original business and lord sugar wanted to just jump on the gravy train.

So he wasn’t looking for a new start up business venture after all, instead a lucrative business to invest in.

That’s a completely different kettle of fish.

Who is to blame for the failure of this task?

Now this of course isn’t Tom’s fault, I was actually rooting for him to win the show, I didn’t like him but I was rooting for him because it would make good tv to see goliath fall to david and the look of complete shock would be one painted into the back of my mind.

But this time, it just made a mockery of the whole process and to all the other candidates who unfornuately had to be given an excuse to leave the process which was unworthy of the amount of effort they put into the tasks, as for everyone else behind the scenes which works hard to make a show a sucess. All it takes is one man to ruin it all and it’s not normally the one at the very top but in this case it is.

And he did another version of this when it came to the kid’s show, when in the final four, he placed Zara and James against the other two candidates who couldn’t even collectively count to twenty on their fingers and toes.

It was like having your school gym teacher pick a rugby team and superman and captain america being on one side and you being on the same team as stephen hawkins and christopher reeves who needs a wee and.

But what can you do is trapped at the top of the stairs. WHAT A JOKE. He already knowns.

so Why do you bother?

It’s a profess which no one wins in. Not even us as the viewer.

With a new series of the apprentice that has recently started while I was on holiday, and I wonder whetherit is going to turn over a new leaf or just be more of the same.

I guess that will be decided in the boardroom, where either my view or the show WILL get fired.