What Valentine’s day really means


 Changing course

If you are expecting a more traditional romantic valentine’s day piece from me, I suggest you read the post I wrote last year on it, it’s very sweet indeed

Here, Read it, it will CHANGE your life!!!

However, this year, I’m going to write something a little less traditional

You’ve got it all wrong

I wasn’t going to write something today of fear of the cliche but something happened to me this weekend that changed me mind, and I thought it was only fair that I should share this with you all.

We have all stopped believing

We have unfortunately grown up in a time of non-belivers, culture and stature has made us forget what valentine’s day really symbolises.

We’ve made it completely personaly and about ourselves and our partners

But that isn’t it.

Valentines day is about a hero’s journey. A hero on a life long quest who has been removed from his home, a hero on a journey on self discovery and then being called to arms to take that quest to salvation.

I’ll show you through a lil story

____

GOING THE DISTANCE

Kid : Hey daddy, why are you packing

Pa: It’s time

Kid: Time for what

Pa: Time for me to go

Kid: Go Where?

Pa: I have trained all my life for this moment son, I have been summoned to go on the ultimate quest

Kid: I just don’t understand

Pa: Son, you see, I am a navy officer, some might even call me a sea-man (;)), we are a warrior breed who have trained all their lives in order to go on a fantastical voyage to claim the ultimate prize. Now it’s my time that I have to go, like all the elders in the village.

Kid: But I still don’t understand why you have to leave me here?

*kid starts crying*

*dads comforts him*

Pa: There there my boy, there’s no need to cry

Kid: *Sniffs*

Pa: Son, have you ever had that feeling that this isn’t the life you are supposed to lead, that you were put here for something greater, that there was something out in that wide world for you to take and make you feel whole again..

Kid: Yeah pa, I think I do

Pa: Well so Do I son, so DO I…

*soft piano music starts playing out of nowhere*

*Kid looks confused*

*Dad stands*

I have often dreamed

Of a far off place

Where a hero’s welcome

Would be waiting for me

*Dad closes his eyes*

*the words appear at the bottom of the screen with a sing-along ball bobbing about*

Where a man will cheer

When I land on a face

And a voice keeps saying

‘It happened Ac-ci-den-tally’ 😉

*Kid scratches head*

*Music gets louder*

*Dad gets into his stride and stalks walking off to a cliff edge*

I’ll be there some daaaaaaaay

I can swim the distance

I will find my waaaaaay

Up a hairy schlong

*touches heart*

I know every mili-mile

Will provide a cigarette and a smile

*soldier solemn face*

When I swim the distance

Up hiiiiiiiis drunken semi lob ooooooooooooon

*Fullband starts accopanying the piano with a big bass support*

Down a condomless road

Between the legs of his date

Though the erection may wander

It will lead him to a screw

*kid seriously had no idea what the fuck is going on*

*black choir people magically appear behind dad, oooohing and shimmying and clicking their fingers in tune*

And a thousand strokes

Would be worth the wait

It might take 8 minutes

But somehow he’ll see it through

*choir join in*

*waves start splashing against the cliff ferociously*

And I won’t look baaaaaaaaack

I can swim the distance

If I land on her crack,

I won’t accept defeat

It’s an uphill slope

He’s probably taken some coke

*puts swimming cap and goggles on*

*power singing fists of justice*

Till I will swim the distance

And not eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend up on some sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeets

*wind machine of awesomeness kicks in, hair flying back*

*slow motion machine kicks in*

*kid starts backing away slowly*

But to leap over the boobies is the haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaardest part

I will probably get an extra boost out if he faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarts

*solo guitar and fireworks*

Woooooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooo

*montage of awesome clips of manly epicness*

*like putting up a shelf*

*getting 8 out of ten in a spalling test*

*not spilling any wee when pissing*

Like a Shooting staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar

I can fly the distance

*dad gets unfriended from son’s facebook page*

I will spary his caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar

With the help of her palms

*Kid starts calling mental asylum*

*Micheal bolton appears out of nowheere*

*Power MULLET DUET FIST PUMP MODE ON CLIFF EDGE*

I don’t care how faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar

“I CAN FLY THE DISTANCE”

*arms around bolty*

Till I find my hero’s welcome

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiting

*full tilt, arms out, leaning back, zooming out aerial shot of JUSTICE*

Up her

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARSE

*lights out, darkness, music off and a spotlight on the dad for an acappella*

*sad face singing*

I will soak the girl…

From her head to her calves…

*pause*

*kid’s hired assassin has arrives and takes aim, red dot is found on dad’s head*

Till I find my hero’s welcome

Waiting Up….

*sigh and single tear running down cheek*

*piano kicks in*

Her arse……

😦

*big orchestral finish*

*fade to black with a soft look of hope glinted in his eyes reaching out to nothing*

*The bolty-licious and the booty choir dissapear, lights back on as if nothing had happened*

Kid: ….

Kid:…

Kid:….

Kid: Dude, what the FUCK” just happened and where did that choir and michael bolton come from?

Pa: Oh nothing son, I have this disease called Disney-musical-itis, I can burst out into song at any  disney song at moment and weird stuff happens, I’m taking medication for it.

Kid:…..

Kid: Anyway….

Pa: Yeah, I really need to be going now, I am being called for

 Kid: But will I ever see you again, I’m scared

Pa: I don’t know son, it’s a first date and things will be difficult based on access, I may have to take a long journey through the tonsils BUT, if I make it, I will see you on the other side, when I finally become whole again. If that’s the case.

Son: Don’t leave me

Pa: Don’t be scared son, be strong, I have taught you all you need to know, be strong and grow up into a seaman I can be proud of. Goodbye

*Kid holds back manly tears of bravery as his pa rides off into the sunset*

*TEN MONTHS LATER*

Kid: Now it’s my turn, I’m ready to go the….oh no, oh no, OH NOOOOOOOO

http://www.channel4.com/media/images/Channel4/4Food/ontv/hestons_mission_impossible/recipes/tissue_A0.jpg

 ____

Now kids, what did you learn?

  1. Don’t listen to your parents
  2. Disney is evil
  3. Never watch Hercules before valentines day
  4. Never watch hercules while horny
  5. Just simply never watch Hercules, it’s rubbish
  6. I should write musicals
  7. Always wear sunscream
  8. Michael bolton is god because he’s the only one who can get away with that kinda bouffon
  9. Stop pretending valentine’s day is about anything else and just get your rocks off, romance is for life, not just for valentines
  10. Spill some seed today and give it back to those heroic seamen who have been waiting for this day to come, besides, you owe them, you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them, apart from jesus, that fucking queue jumper, grrr…

So Join me next time for another magical story from bolton when I’ll be taking you through the joys of sexual harrasment in the office place in only the way the Bolton can express it.

Until that fateful day…

 Happy Valentines day!!!!!!

here’s what google’s homepage have to say about valentine’s day

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