Domestic Abuse at its most Terrable
Hey Dad, It’s me, Tera H.
I know, We haven’t spoken in a while, especially since you abandoned us to go party with your aristocratic ‘Ra Ra’ crowd and now live something stupid like 93 million miles away but I don’t know who else to turn to in this moment.
After you told me countless times he wouldn’t and I argued saying he wasn’t like that, He did it again, He hit me.
No I lie, He completely battered me.
But this time, was different from the rest in a different respect.
He showed no remorse afterwards
I honestly think he really REALLY meant it.
Don’t worry, i’m relatively safe now though, He’s gone out of the house now, probably to the bar to get drunk again and have solicited sex with some dirty whore
He’s such a horrible MAN
but I’m still shaking and crying here all around in the dark.
My head is spinning and I can only see light out of one eye.
I’m so scared.
How could I have been so stupid?
I thought this time would be different, he promised me he would change, he was saying all these things, talking about taking the right steps and leaving his mark and being more helpful around the house, maybe even do the recycling. I can’t believe I bought that shit. It’s not even like I had any reason to with his past mishaps.
But I just don’t believe him anymore.
But back then, he was DIFFERENT, alot more different from when he was now and i think you gave him a hard time.
When I had my hit and run incident, I felt like these big clouds came over me for ages, I had no life to me and grew so cold for what seemed like an Ice age. But then I saw him and he had such a thrive for life and to survive and to push the boundaries, I was in awe of his wisdom and tenacity and his exhuberance and resourcefulness. I mean, who wouldn’t be.
When we were young, we used to work in unison, Even though he was a lil bit younger, He would look after me and I would look and provide for him in return. We learnt to grow as individuals alongside one another and also to grow stronger together as a partnership.
We would also work in a wider circle of people, I was so helpful back then with such a big support sytem to take care of each other.
I would do alot to provide for them, but quickly he stopped taking their needs into account and then started to cut them off from me, I am not able to look after them all like I could before, I’ve become so isolated and he has become so draining of me. ALL he does is take take take and abuse me and take me for granted….
I know at first it was small but I could take it, I gave birth to his children and promised I would keep them and look after them. T
Then he started….
forcing his hand….inside….
oh god, I can’t even bring myself to say it.
*shudder and a cry*
It was horrible and uncalled for, and totally destroyed my confidence.
But I let him stay, for the sake of the kids. He would always blame the pressures of work and the need to push forward his company and the stress it entailed.
But I didn’t know why this part of him manifested. He used to work for free, just enough to survive, and always give back what he could.
Then something snapped and he became money hungry, and now he doesn’t even look at me that way anymore. It’s all about the flashy lights and big cars and big meals and taking care of number one. he doesn’t even care what his kids get to eat or how they will live tomorrow, just as long as he cares about himself today.
I cant remember the last time he called me sexy or said he loved me. I feel so cheap and mislead by his deceit.
He’s also managed to get me into smoking, real hard core stuff, I’m forever fuming away, it’s doing things to my insides, I’m nowhere near as healthy as I was when I was younger. I feel old
And even with all this, my health is in jeopardy, I keep getting this fever that runs higher and higher and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, even so, I still manage to get the crazy sweats that drench my skin from time to time. He doesn’t like it though as I can’t support him and he blames me and sometimes your name comes up as the reason for all of this.
I bet you’re gassing up laughing at this, thinking, “I told you so” in a flare of excitement. I know you guys have never seen eye to eye, infact, I’m not sure he can even look directly at you, he’s always averting his eyes or got his shades on when you’re around. You always did make him sweat, and his mouth dry, I guess you made him nervous, even though back then, he used to worship you.
I really don’t know what’s gotten into him. But it’s making me so sad
Sometimes he chokes me so hard, I end up gagging and spit out black stuff from inside me, it makes me sick but he relishes in it. He’s seriously getting out of control.
I know I should kick him out and that i would eventually have the strength to return back to normal without him, regardless of what he tells me. It’s not like he’s not always out there searching for others all the time, he makes it very obvious. I suppose maybe I just couldn’t live with myself if he went off and did the same thing to someone else
I know I should talk to my eight siblings and some of them are so cold and void of life.
I found out one of the younger distant ones is really a half brother, thanks for telling us that dad, really helpful, he’s now been disowned by the rest of us.
The one up from him is so distant from me, I don’t know why, probably because he’s got his head rammed so far up his own arse with his little man syndrome. Siblings (especially yours) are strange things dad.
One is too busy to do anything since his partner run rings completely round him. so there’s no point talking to him
One of older ones is a model and the one the other side of me is off fighting in some war, He used to be like me but something changed in him and maybe he became red with rage. Maybe all his tears dried up after something similar happened to him and he decided to do something about it. So he’s not in the right frame of mind
Two of them are off doing training for the Olympics, I think one is swimming and the other one is running. The elder runner is so busy training these days, he says he woke up one morning and it felt like the entire year had gone by, by the time he got to bed. I don’t know how he does it. So they’re both no help
As for the rest are just full of hot air and nothing particularly helpful
I do have some strong friends though that help me through this. One stays with me all the time during the night and can be a real beacon of light. Funny that, there’s a lot of you reflected in him, it’s funny who you end up with in your friend circle.
The other one is a real shoulder to lean on, sometimes i feel my feet are completely off the ground with him, when he’s got me on his back. he has my head spinning and I wouldn’t know if I could support myself without him.
I dunno know why I am telling you this, along time ago, you promised that one day if this kept happening you would just explode in a red rage and consume us all and none of my two older siblings would be able to stop you. But that wouldn’t do anything
I suppose I am because you know the same thing happened to mom with her past previous relationship went all sour like spilt milk and she went all quiet and dwarf like but then absolutely exploded in public one day when she let it all out, then went completely dark and fell into a hole nothing can escape out of and now no one can see here or knows where she went.
I guess what I am really asking is am I going to end up like her, Dad?
Please promise me I won’t
I need you to promise me
Sometimes I sit and just wonder if there is anyone else going through the same thing I am, and most of the time I cry because as far as the eye can see, even with all the odds,
I think I am truly alone.
And that is scarier than anything he can do to me.