I’ve actually accidentally killed someone, the paw thing
Oh my goodness…
After all these years, she was right, my mom said I would end up picking up soap in a jail communal shower one day, being gauped out by a man named jeffrey, with a penis the size of eligitimate son and a secret fetish for furry asses. and she was actually right
You see, a while back I wrote this piece here in this link, which was pretty much a long winded way of saying that I had finished my PHD.
Well….technically that was a lie. A beautiful lie but one none the less.
You see, I had done the hardest part and finished the big exam for it, the viva, which i passed.
That was a 4 1/2 hour grueling page-by-page destruction of my work by two pioneers in the field of the area of my research. These were an internal examiner from my university and an external one from another institution. Speaking of which, it’s always nice to be made to feel small, tiny, like a grain of rice.
Even though I passed, I was giving a batch of corrections to do in order to get it up to scratch since my supervisor was kind enough to pretty much do ‘fuck all’ over his tenure of ‘supervising’ the creation of this document.
SO that was cool.
And hefty but cool.
Eventually I put together all the things they wanted me to do and created an absolute miracle of including an additional 150 pages while not making the document any bigger, infact, I still managed to trim 60 odd pages off the final draft compared to the original. It’s amazing how hindsight makes you realise that all the things you originally thought were important are actually nonesense. I guess this is what getting old must feel like. I can’t wait.
So they gave me a full year to complete this and even though I could have put my head down and do it in a couple of months, I stretched it out to roughly six, specifically till the week before I left for my new job. I am, after al,l the world’s greatest procrastinator.
I’m infact procrastinating from doing work by procrastinating from writing two other articles by writing this very one as we speak. Even then I am going to procrastinate from finishing this, in one go, by getting lunch and having 20 breaks to the bog, checking for stuff on the internet, getting lunch and refilling my water bottle.
The spiral is endless.
Now before I was supposed to hand it in. I am suppsoed to check with my internal supervisor as a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ that he is satisfied with all the corrections that I have made. On this settlement, normally he would coerce the external examiner to feel the same and therefore you can pretty much be guaranteed their recommendation of you being awarded a PhD is just a awaited formality.
easy as pie.
And this was the plan, I had booked some time a few weeks before to go over the majority of the changes I had made.
But because I procrastinated, I didn’t bother going and I handed it in on the day I was leaving. I didn’t even plan to tell him but he caught me ushering myself out of the office. He seemed upset I had not seen him and pretty much warned me, I would have to resubmit if it wasn’t up to scratch and that i took a big gamble. With this in mind, I accepted that this wasn’t the end of it and I would have to come back and do more work ‘just to be taught a lesson’ but I had to move cities and start a new job and new life somewhere else. My PhD could wait.
He waits, dum dum dum dum dum dum (guiness adverts song)
So with that I waited for a response from anyone since october and I got nothing.
I sent out some emails last week wondering what the situation was
Typically, my supervisor didn’t give a rat’s ass about anything i sent him, so i just got nothing from him.
However I did get an email about it from my internal examiner and he sent me an unedited version of this
Thanks for the message. I am most sorry for the delay in your dissertation examination, but there are quite unusual circumstances surrounding it.
Let me explain.
I received your resubmitted thesis towards the end on Oct last year. I went through all of the corrections, finishing by the 3rd week of November. I was completely satisfied that you had performed all the corrections that we had requested.
As I was the internal examiner, I needed to inform the External that I was satisfied with the corrections so that he could send me the recommendation form with his signature on it.
I made several attempts to contact him in November and December without success. I tried again at the beginning of the month without success. I then called the Dept at his University and was informed that he had died after a short illness just before Christmas.
As it turns out, his funeral was held yesterday. I am thus in the process of trying to resolve this issue with the Graduate Office. I will keep you informed.
As I said previously, from my standpoint, you have fully met all of your requirements for me to recommend that you be awarded the PhD.
We just need to formalise this with signatures on the form, and for this, we need to have a signature in the “External examiner” spot.
First I was like…
Then I was Like…
But soon I was like…
Then I ended up like…
But then I got bored and was like…
And then Glee came on and I was like…
Then everyone went to bed and I went on porntube and was like…
Then I bashed my cock around and was kinda like…
And I really needed a cigarette after and was like…
But I ran of cigs and smoked some weed instead and was like…
Then I got the double pepperoni munchies and was like…
But then I threw a whitey and threw up and was like…
Then I got some beers and passed out and was like…
And I keep having that weird reoccurring dream where I’m like…
But then I wake up and get flashbacks of last night and go back to being like…
all because I had finished all the pizza last night and had nothing for breakfast
That was what I was writing about right, the ‘ great finished pizza’ fiasco wasn’t it???
*goes back to re-read early parts*
Well, I seem to have gone off on a ‘slight tangent’ there. Oh well…
Just ignore that slight derailment, you can see what I mean about having a procrastinating mind now, can’t you…?
So it seems that the guy had passed away. Just my luck, you can’t write the type of tradgedy involved with some of the aspects of getting this thing finished. It is a story fit for the illiad
But then it suddently hit me…
The dates at which my thesis was sent out to him must have meant that he received it by Mid october, and with it taking approximately 3 weeks to go through, would have lead up to the time his sickness manifested
Had I accidentally sent him the copy of my thesis with anthrax included, destined for my ‘beloved supervisor’???
No, that couldn’t be it…
Could it be, the correction of my thesis has actually lead to his demise?
Am I inline for Involuntary manslaughter?
NO, it can’t be manslaughter, I purposely sent him the world’s most boring document and forced him to read it, I would go down for premedidated murder one for sure, no parole, no £200 pounds when I pass go either.
Or had the very thought of having to go through that two page volume have his immune system say
fuck it, we’ve had enough, we’re off to mexico, screw you all.
I dare say I have visions of him being lumped over a copy of my work with the last thoughts going through his mind being
‘I before E, except after C, you fucking retard!!!!’
There’s no hope is there. I’m going down and it’s only a matter of time before I’m butt raped by 60 different guys.
all i can say to that is…
It’s about damn time, only took seven years implement
Check and Mate!!
Back To life, Back to Reality
Please don’t take this post too seriously, I am well known in dealing with traumatic moments and sad times with a splice of comedy, it is my own coping mechanism towards pretty much everything. I believe if you can’t shovel through and find the funny in anything, you are destined to have it ultimately consume you. So I am by nature, a digger.
(That’s a ‘D’ and not a ‘N’ for all you short sighted readers out there, for your information my grandmother is dutch 😉 )
In all seriousness though, while there is a small sense of frustration and the fact that this peace of work is never going to finish and is going to haunt me (out of no fault of my own) for the rest of my days. 99.99% of my thoughts go out to this gentleman and his family and loved ones. I only knew him for a few hours but it seemed like an eternity. He scrutinised my work page by page,
Nothing escaped his grasp, he read everything.
And apart from me, he will probably be the only man to have read everything. I gave that document to five people to check for me, none of them got back to me. They all either made excuses or just ‘forgot’ about it. These were people who were paid to do. This was their jobs.
This gentleman clearly saw I was pissing into the wind unaccopanied and help provide me with some structure. Just to be nice for the sake of it. While going through the long list of corrections, I called this guy a pedantic bastard. I know I didn’t mean it at the time and while I am not trying to be polite with his recent demise and all but he certainly won my respect by being so.
I just hope I managed to eventually win his. It’s a shame I will never truly know but one can hope.
Rest in Peace Sir.