There are two suicides to every story…


Part 1

I don’t know why I’m writing this,

Actually that’s complete bollocks, I know EXACTLY why I’m writing this…

I have done some thinking and realised that I never really opened up to you during our relationship. So in order to grow, as a person, I think I should at least try and open up to you now.

This is an attempt to try and bury the hatchet between us and help keep it buried.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t going to be arse kissing and roses but, if you hear it, you may get a more complete picture of how we were ,or at least see things from my point of view. Any criticisms made to you, aren’t to demonise, but to provide insight and perhaps avert similar things occurring, not only in your future, but in mine.

These are lessons for both of us to learn from this and if that makes us better people, than it all makes it worthwhile.

With that I guess i should make a start….

*deep breath*

Regardless of what you thought about me, I did love you.

Furthermore, what’s more important is that I accepted you, Good or Bad. There are alot of great things that you brought to the table. However, you also brought your fair share of shit, as we all do.

I will say though at no point throughout our relationship did I ever try and change you. Even when you changed naturally from who I was first attracted to. I never intervened or tried to stop you being you.

Now here is the clincher. I don’t think you treated me the same level of respect. I always felt like you were continually trying to change me into what you believed was your storybook lesbian lover.

I remember many times asking you this simple question

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‘What do you want from a Girlfriend?’

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You would always always ALWAYS say you wanted

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  • Someone to do stuff with
  • Someone to travel with
  • Someone to feel close to
  • Someone with a decent job
  • Someone who gets on with your friends and family

etc

When I was asked the same question, I would always always ALWAYS answer the same way.

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‘YOU!’

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You have to see that makes a massive difference in how we perceived each other. You could also probably see from this, that deep down, your words gave me the impression you never really wanted ‘me’.

There are two reasons for this and I suppose I am partly to blame for both.

1) See, in the time we were together, I can’t hand-on-heart say that you ever really knew me. I mean KNEW ‘ME’.

Like if I passed away and you wrote a eulogy about me, no one would have any idea who the hell you were talking about.

To accept people, you have to know them, walk a day in their shoes, understand where they’ve come from, where they’re  going and most importantly, come to grips with the why, behind it all. Then as a friend, or partner, you choose whether to have them as part of your life or not. I never once felt you took that time to understand me at all.

I mean this isn’t rocket science and you’ll never really know the extent of how much this really affected me but if you knew me, and I mean really KNEW ME, you wouldn’t introduce any sort of domestic abuse into our relationship, especially since I’ve spent most of my life as a victim of it. I may act all tough now but deep down I’m really really not.

I mean everyone and their dog knows that aggressive behaviour towards me gets them nowhere but the person who should know me, better than everyone else didn’t.

Actually that is a lie, you did know.

Even when I told you about my past and how much it affected me, You continually chose to use physical intimidation, violence and shouting uproars as part of your arsenal. That’s just plain vindictive.

Whether you could or couldn’t control it was irrelevant, you shouldn’t have that kinda reaction to someone you apparently loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with. The fact you never managed to physically hurt me never changed anything,  the mental scars you re-opened over and over within me won’t show up on any medical scan but I can promise you, they are just as real as a bruised arm or a cut lip.

Now regardless of what you say about love, if I was to do any of that to you, I physically couldn’t live with myself. That’s one of the main differences between us, I would never lash out at you, no matter what you did to me and you know this.

But as I reiterate, I accepted you as you regardless of this. My fault perhaps…

2) The other problem was you always treated us with a double standard, with my actions and concerns dealt with like they came from some slave and you were the defacto plantation owner, who was never held accountable for anything.

How does that saying go again….? Oh Yeah

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Do as I say and not as I do

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This may come outta the blue but there are many many examples I can call upon to back this up

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When I asked you to come out and see my friends, the majority of the time, you declined.

I accepted.

When you asked me to see your friends and I declined, you’d make me feel like shit. You’d spend the rest of the time comparing me to your friends’ partners, in a negative light. As if their relationships were perfect. I ask, how many of them are still together now?

When you asked me to meet your folks after a couple of weeks, I wasn’t comfortable, it’s not in my nature to progress things that quickly.

It was way too fast but I eventually accepted.

When I asked you to wait (for multiple reasons), you did everything possible to make it seem as if I was a coward and wasn’t serious about us.The funny thing is, I waited because I was serious, you could never understand that.

When it was my turn to do the cleaning, you’d go on at me until I did it as if I had murdered your family in a house fire.

I accepted.

When it was your turn to do the cleaning, you’d happily ignore it till you were ready,you would even leave a massive mess for weeks on end but god forbid I leave a wok out after a single use.

When you were unemployed over the summer, you got your dad to get you a job at his company, where you did pretty much nothing and got a wod of cash (and were perfectly happy asking for family and outside help).

I accepted.

When I simply asked you for a family friend’s details to help my cousin get some contacts in the recruitment business, you denied me and gave me a high and mighty speech about how people should find work for themselves. Not only that but when I did eventually find out these details for myself, and booked a meeting with him, you took the credit and said you had given them to me, how odd?

When you were unemployed and I was going out, you’d say you didn’t have money to come along.

I accepted.

When it was me who was out of work and without any funds, you claimed I was destroying our relationship. If I recall one night I couldn’t make it out, you ended up with someone else to spite me, woooo.

When it came about that you’d cheated on me (at least 3 times), you told me you weren’t sorry and you could do it again. You also blamed all the ordeals on me, and said you did it to try and hurt me. You also lied to me about it and were happy for me to never have found out.

I accepted

When I cheated on you, I told you straight away, I said it wasn’t about you at all, and I also said I wasn’t sorry, just like you did. You ended up denying the last part and, well we all know how the rest of that one turned out, don’t we.

When you asked me to not smoke cigarettes in your house because you didn’t like the smell of smoke.

I accepted.

I went and smoked outdoors, even when it was snowing and pouring down with rain. When I asked you to not get high in the living room because of potential random blood testing at work, you’d continue and have me spend the rest of the night upstairs on my own. Not only that but you’d use it in an argument to your advantage to get me to leave any room so you could have it to yourself.

When you’d often go over to see your sister,, I never said anything, it’s not a problem at all.

I accepted.

When I was spending time with my cousin, who I remind you didn’t know anyone in a 100 mile radius of Bristol , living in a strange city and was in a bad way, you’d get jealous I was spending time with him. Jealous of family of all people, really?

When my younger cousin came to stay with us, you took food from his stash when he had no money,  You never even asked or replaced it, just took it like it was your right, because it was your flat.

Heck I accepted it.

I don’t even have an alternative of this, Neither of us would ever rumble through your stuff. We both have that inherent level of respect for other people’s property and certainly wouldn’t go stealing from people less fortunate than us.

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And this goes on and on and on and on

It was one of the things I never liked about you. You were never consistent. You acted towards me, in a manner you’d hate, if someone else treated you like that. Worst of all, you would always blame me for your actions and never take responsibility yourself. There was no moral centre and your moods would flip from one day to the next.

Everything that came out of your mouth was completely relative and you carried a massive stigma towards me because you were still harbouring a grudge over things I thought we had dealt with in the past..

Now I’m not saying that I didn’t carry negative things forward too. For as long as I can remember, since one of our first rows, I knew you weren’t going to stay for the long haul. The way I saw it, you were standing right on the periphery of the relationship, waiting for a legitimate way to leave, still smelling of roses. That’s why you never left and decided to cheat instead, waiting for my one and only fuck up to wriggle out of it as the victim.

With the evidence shown, you can’t blame me for saying you had a victim mentality. Maybe you do, maybe that’s just me not knowing you, maybe it’s my stigma towards you, Perhaps it’s a bit of each.

Maybe because I had sensed that, I decided not do what I normally do and end things prematurely on my terms.

When I first came out, I took it as an opportunity to cease control of all aspects of my life. Looking back, it’s the reason alot of my previous relationships never made it passed the first few months.

With you though, I wanted to be different and took a leap of faith. I didn’t take full control this time and wanted nature to take its course, hoping things would naturally turn out for the best. So I went fully the other way and was a passenger for most of our time together. Perhaps another mistake, if I had listened to my gut, we wouldn’t be in this mess.

I think you had a negative opinion of me, you just couldn’t shake. Whether this was sincere or not remains to be seen, personally I think they tiny issues that grew when reinforced by your friends and family, and in my passive state, I gave them enough ammunition to linger and become toxic.

I had them too, mine was that you wouldn’t be capable of dealing with my erratic family or culture. To be fair, in the time we were together, you spent a whopping total of about 15 minutes asking questions about them, preferring to ignore the issue and work against it, rather with me to tackle the stigma head on. Can you really blame me for thinking that way?

If anything, you spent most of the time really undermining my contributions to our combined future. To be fair, I don’t really blame you.

You see, you are presently, far closer to your ideal life than I am.

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  • You are doing something you want to do,
  • You are living somewhere you want to live,
  • You have everything you want at your doorstep
  • family, career, home,  and the majority of your friends (with the others planning on moving back soon).

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So why would you want to change much, including yourself? Who wants to compromise when they are holding all the good cards?

You said one thing before and you were right, we do want different things. I just wanted some peace of mind. I’m run by guilt and I need to get rid of it. You don’t see the weight but then you don’t know me. Maybe if you did, it’d be clearer. I need to attempt to reach my maximum potential and if I was going to have children (which is a whole ‘nother headache between two women in a multicultural marriage), I wanted to make sure I provided the best for them.

Now you never understood this and I suppose I will never understand its impact on you. but after nearly 7 years of medical training, I’m still incapable of progressing with my life plan.

I must apologise for the length of my training. It definitely delayed the progression of our relationship (well at least in your eyes). Since you didn’t know me, you didn’t believe things would change once I finished, those were just empty promises you’d heard time and time again. You were wrong though.

The very second I passed my training, I was willing to happily spend the rest of my life with someone didn’t treat me fairly, know me, accept me, beat me and also didn’t want to help out her future cousin in law. Even with all of this, I had faith in you and us, and was willing to move forward with you as my wife.

I still can’t believe we imploded just three weeks before my training finished, what a waste. I still think we could have had been fine eventually but I’m not willing to take that risk anymore.

I suppose there was one myth you perpetuated that did benefit me. I somehow used your continual disapproval of me, whether conscious of subconscious to push me to be a better person. Don’t get me wrong, I was not becoming better for you, but for me.

I wanted to be someone you could hold up your ideals to and prefer. I very well could have been eventually. (at least I thought so).

I recently had a epiphany though. I’m not a bad person.

I mean sure, I’m messed up in the head, obscure and detached, lacking in empathy but I’m not bad. I may need to carry less emotional guilt over stuff that I have no control over but I don’t have to better myself to compare to your (or anyone else’s) standards.

I think you feel I treated you similarly (as in wanted you to be a better person) and you’re right I did, I wish all my friends and family grow, that’s part of what I find attractive in people, a continual drive to better themselves. That’s not to say I never accepted you at the time, I just wanted you to achieve all your dreams by being better. Besides, since when has stagnancy ever been an attractive trait?

One of your final comments to me was this behaviour destroyed your confidence.

I can’t see this point. Maybe this is my problem, maybe it was yours but I feel since your view of me was negatively skewed (even to the point needing to drag up old crap to fuel an impromptu argument), I have to take this with a pinch of salt .

You see, you vent more than I do, so I saw all the things in your life you weren’t happy with and was always pushing for you to change them. I mean, why be unhappy when you can take control, right? Maybe that’s not what you wanted, maybe it was just venting for the sake of it and while you say ‘everyone does it’, I now know they really don’t.

This was really the hardest part of you to accept. Your inability to wanna grow positively. Like, when you mentioned all the things you aspired to in your career but public speaking would hold you back. So much so,  you’d rather miss out on a promotion than face a crowd, it KILLED me. Actually KILLED ME. Why wouldn’t I push you to face your demons, it just doesn’t make any sense.

I suppose I see you in such high regards, far higher than you see yourself and it’s so sad. It’s sad because you have so much raw potential, you could literally do anything you wanted. It’s also sad that my attempt to get the best out of you caused the opposite and you’ve actually regressed.

If I see someone with so much potential, not being used, it’s such a waste. You might as well be a druggie getting high every night wasting away…

Oh wait, that’s exactly what you did :-/

I have enough natural things in my life holding me back (and know how much it hurts) to stand by and have someone do it to themselves. I mean honestly, do you know how lucky and blessed you are, that I’d kill for a millisecond of everything you had infront of you, I mean actually kill.

This balance never quite revealed itself. This pauper doesn’t need to tell the princess she is wealthy. yet it felt like I continually did in this relationship.

But you always saw these comments as negative. Infact, you never took anything I said in balance. I bet a year’s salary you probably can’t remember a single nice word I ever said to you.

Even, now I can already see you going

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‘ugh, she’s written me this letter, I’m going to pick out all the negatives and use it as a tool to perpetuate how much she hates me and because I am a self pitying bitch, time to roll up again’

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You know there are times when I’ve referred to your treatment of me as your ‘Wayne’. You never quite understood it but I’ll try to explain it to you now. You see, I’ve always knew in the same way that I felt short of your mark, Wayne fell short of your sisters and was demonised for being so. So with Wayne, Tanya punished him for knowing (or saying she knew him) and being upset that he didn’t make it up to her standards. Even with his kids, is this fair? Maybe, maybe not but down trodden regardless. If you wish you could, you would probably have had me in the same position. There were so many similarities, over exaggerated issues, blowing up, the violence, the mindless screaming, the storming out, the public bitching, even with him there, the finger pointing when they’ve both done bad in the relationship, I suspect the remorse-esque undertone of him when he comes up in conversation, always waiting to negatively remark on anything he’s done.

This is Pretty much exactly how you treat all people you grow to dislike and aka Craig, your ex housemate.

I see alot of Tanya in you, I wasn’t a fan. I was kinda sad to see you are kinda like her lackey in mostly one way or another. One point to make before you go on at me for making this point is you’ve brought up to point yourself at times, so it’s not as if it has come out of nowhere. I guess I have always liked people around me who have had a strong sense of individuality. I know it may not be fair and the fact you’ve lived similar lives plays a part but you don’t appear to stand out from her.

You share alot of her negative aspects as well. The first i reiterate is a sense of ‘poor me’ and the second is how you take out your negative frustrations on people. I never thought that all the issues you had with me where always to do with me. I could tell sometimes that you would be annoyed with someone and use that as an excuse to take it out on me because you knew i’d take it.. Why you couldn’t bring it up with them straight away or at anytime was somewhat beyond me.

Also, you happen to actually have a narrow scope of friends. In essence, you are all the same people and to be fair I sometimes think that your personality is hidden in  their collective shadows. Maybe a part of me wanted you to stand out from it. But I suppose you are there by choice or necessity.

___

I mean you weren’t by far the only person in the relationship who had stuff going on in their lives but I would never dream of taking out my frustrations on you. Instead Ii chose to deal with them on my own accord. Now I know this manifested in you  not thinking I showed or shared anything but this was based on three main reasons..

One, talking about it doesn’t help, I feel like it’s wallowing and I never talk about my problems in general, jI feel it just reminds me and those around me that they are still there. I’d rather spend time sorting them out.

The second was that I never genuinely thought you could bring anything to that table that could help. That’s not an insult to you as such, we never really had that type of relationship, Maybe you can be a confidant for your own friend network and the first line of defense for that but I am more than capable of taking care of myself. At any case, I have a long standing back up friend support network to help me out if I’m in a time of need. They earned this position after many many years of trust. I think for some reason you automatically assumed you’d received the same level of trust but trust must be earned regardless of the relationship (boss, friend, wife, child, lesbian life partner etc). I’m sorry but it’s not how I do things. Even these people, I don’t trust fully.

I’ve grown up in a world where I realised at an early age that everyone will eventually let you down, especially the ones you expect not to.

But realising this, I also know that I will let people down as well. SO i choose not to judge people for that last point in that deep down, I never really thought we’d last. It was always a matter of what if. Entrusting you would have been a false economy, regardless of what you say. We were never really comparable and you never really wanted me, so I thought why invest time in obtaining trust from you.

It’s quite a bit of a shock, Had I met you around this time, rather than all those years ago, and I had all my medical qualifications and stuff in order, and a job I wanted, things would be very different. At least more stable. Saying this, there still may have been a sense of inevitability about our demise.

You see we are both incredibly stubborn people. I think this worked for and against us alot of the time. In ever understood your rush of advancing our relationship, what is the hurry? what would telling my folks have changed, Did you expect they will like you.

Truth be told, you couldn’t even get on with my bro and he was probably going to be the one that you go on with the most. Now fair enough I take into account he isn’t the easiest person to live with but in all fairness , neither are you. There are two points here, The first one is that your potential brother in law was in need of help regardless and you were reluctant to help. Dare I say you believed you were being taken for a mug as you call it but if any of your friends of family needed help, I wouldn’t even hesitate to give them a helping hand in desperate times. Especially one who would potentially help smooth things out with the parents and others in the longer term.

I never come between any of your close relationships. While I’m sure I also blame me and him but there were issues between myself and my bro that were caused by yourself that will cause an irreversible shift. Actually both of my brothers

I haven’t spoken to my eldest brother sing last new year’s eve, that night was fucking awful, you have a massive part to play in that. Forcing me to send him home after driving half across the country to see me was far too extreme. You know why I couldn’t introduce you then as my partner, it would have completely messed up everything we had been planning up until that time but you wanted to be spiteful so you forced me to choose you over my brother and cause a wedge between us. Now our blood is just as thick as water.

While my predicament was different with you, I can honestly say probably for everything outside, our first row, I stopped being myself infront of you and rather placed a placid indifferent more subdued me there. One who couldn’t express herself freely due to the fear of coming across as intimidating/bullying you . This is ironic because that’s what you thought anyway, imagine if I could talk freely, could you handle me? You said you could but what about my more blatant culture or family, you can probably see from evidence based outlook that you really didn’t give me your vote of confidence on that one.

This is where I ask, how can one intend to be with someone you spend your entire life tip toeing around? Is that life? You were none the wise as you probably got a beneficial shift in your favour in my behaviour.

Fuck, what time is it, I’ve been writing this for hours and i haven’t even touched the surface of what I want to say. and i don’t think this tactic is going to get me there any sooner, so i think i will just put it out there into the universe and hope even though you may end up hating me more, with this fresh ensemble, this can be the beginning of something new and healthy between us.

*I do miss you but I don’t love you anymore and I wish you all the happiness I apparently wasn’t able to provide*

I just guess maybe love isn’t a about the final destination, rather the journey getting there and we just don’t make good travel companions.

Try not to be so rough on the next chick/guy/horse fuck face.

Speak soon, hopefully as friends.

With all my heart and written in my tears

Erica

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FOR Part 2, please click on the link below

Part 2

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