Einhorn is Finkle, Finkle is Einhorn… –
There is this classical point in one of my favourite films of all time, Ace Ventura, when the pet detective makes a course-changing revelation. He discovers that the thief of snowflake, an ex miami dolphin player who had gone insane, is actually the lead female detective on the case/murder case.
regardless of how absolutely funny that scene is, the lines, Einhorn is Finkle, Finkle is Einhorn has become synonymous in my life for being associated with times when I’ve made some startling revelations.
Like this one here
Throughout my life, I have been brought up in a family who would do anything for me, literally anything. However, while this love may be selfless at the time of action, there is a tendency for one to be reminded about it and often made to feel guilty about it later on down the line. Even for something as little as taking ten pounds. This is really bad, especially considering that their help is usually not requested and is almost forced upon me in order for them to feel like they are contributing. EVEN THEN, one expects any internal help within a family unit to come without any terms and conditions and to be simply because one wants to. I’ve always said that Love has no currency and most people don’t want to end up in the red of emotional debt from their equivalents of their family. To paraphrase Julius Caesar
Et tu Mummae?
I mean it is so bad now that even without recent ammunition, I have either things made up about me taking stuff or having stuff done for me or they have to refer back to incidents when I was 17, being made to feel guilty about having stuff done for you as a child. Well DUH, that is what children are supposed to have stuff done for them. This is definitely one trait that if it has been passed on to me, I will make a point not to pass on to my children (at least until they are old enough to provide for themselves, you have to fuck them up a lil).
In recent years, I had my brother stay with me, and due to circumstances outside of my control, in order to have him live with me, I had to pay additional rent on a room I had already paid for. So I took on this burden (it wasn’t a burden, I would actually say duty) to pay alongside my sister and since we all know what we are like, we decided to not tell him about it. Until one day he asked me for the honest truth and that we had dropped about 900 pounds on his behalf.
Now my bro has never had anyone do anything like this for him before as he tried to minimise his interaction of ‘directly taking handouts’ (although one would argue how much of his lifestyle is blanketed by those around him but that is another issue regardless).
But on him knowing this, He thought that I would pound him forever to pay him back or forever use it as some form of ammunition. Knowing how much it hurts, I would never throw it in his face but the mere fact that I had the opportunity to do that changed the way he perceived me and he started keeping his distance from me. I suppose paranoia started to set in, amongst the pressures of being in an unfamiliar environment, his employment disposition and not knowing anyone. He swore he would pay it back as soon as he could but I wasn’t arsed.
At the time I had lent far more money to other people so that was not even an issue, I wouldn’t miss it, I’ve always had a dab hand at saving money. Funny, that is one thing my folks gave me (whether directly or indirectly) that they never make me feel guilty about, how ironic.
So I am not unique this notion. It runs through most of my family/siblings. I do think though that I realised this at a very young age. I don’t do well with people putting things on my head and either being a burden to them or making out out like I’ve forced them into something. I would rather starve than take money from people and sleep on the streets than take help. I have examples of both these scenarios. And if I ever do borrow something, I never forget and will do my best to get it back, even if it means going days without food. As a rule, I generally also don’t mix friendships and money as I know even the closest of friends can be funny when money is involved. Free will for me is paramount throughout all my doings and relationships with people.
So with this, I made a thorough thorough effort in order to make myself as independent as possible. Having lived away from home since I was 11, I definitely had a headstart. But I have always lived within my means, always had an ability to adapt to my monetary income and keep my head down, find work, be humble, work hard, save and grow bits and bobs, by quality rather than quantity and I’m really really good at maintaining things, buying in cash and not falling to the creditors. Just in general making sure I don’t put people out of their way.
So with this comes my way I thought about something
Being a guest
You see, I have always thought that when you go to someone’s house, you are ultimately inflicting your presence on their daily life. They have their own routine and you are interrupting it for one way or another. Like the order of entropy, your presence there creates far more disorder than not having you around at all.
This is also some of the reason that I have issues picking up the phone and calling people, I am a rubbish friend and always always ALWAYS think that I will catch people while in the middle of doing something else. And it’s getting worse as I get older, I really have to reign it in.
In any case, in order to compensate, when I do get invited to see people, I become overly polite in their homes. I make sure that I am only providing company and I don’t like to have them offer me stuff. This scenario is only in the initial stages though.
I think there are two types of hosts. There are the ones who like to host and have you there. They love to offer you things and make you feel welcome and do this by being what I would love to call being being ‘overtly hospitable’.
Then there are the types of people who will have you round and simply do nothing for you. They say ‘make yourself at home’ and they mean it. They let you be, you know where the fridge is, you have free reign to raid their produce and also to make anything you like, whack on any dvds you want, have hold of the remote control and can cook up or order in any food you feel like it. This is since they feel comfortable with you around and there doesn’t seem to be any pretence in your relationship. There is less of a need to impress as you are both secure in the friendship you have with them.
I think I prefer to be in the company of the latter as I come to realise that these are the people who won’t come back later on and make a big fuss about having done something for you since they haven’t really. As a host I guess I prefer to be the former but tend to vary depending on my guest and can adapt to all situations.
So I can be myself with the laid back host but in the company of those who like to be hospitable, I would assume a (what I would like to call a) low maintenance role.
But the thing is that, it doesn’t end up being low maintenance.
You know you get those guests that pop round and want the earth. Nothing is good enough and you feel like rather than interacting with them, you spend every second at their beckoning call on hand and foot just trying to satisfy their whomes. I’m sure everyone can relate to having an older distant relative landing at your door and forever wanting for them to secretly die while smiling through your teeth .
Then when they finally are about to leave, you say, ‘Oh feel free to come by anytime, you’re always welcome and its been a pleasure having you here’, but then when the door is closed, you breathe a sigh of relief and go ‘thank god that motherfucker has left my house, one more second and I would have ripped out their demanding tongue and bashed in their condescending overbearing heads with it GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ and then light up the biggest cigarette and smoke it like you’ve just come up for air after being suffocated for the longest time. And then bolt and lack the door and turn off the lights just incase the fuckheads have forgotten anything and want to come back, haha.
That is a high maintenance mother fucker.
But for those who like to be a good host, if you deny them the possibility to be a host, you end up coming up across exactly the same. They get too worried about what you may say about being in their company and cannot drop that ledge to provide for their guests.
Now if they ask a guest for something and the guest reclines, surely that means that you have fulfilled your requirements as a host, so you can then relax and just enjoy stuff.
But alas no
I’ve come to realise that this puts people at a massive stress,
The family who wants to look out for the little sibling starts to feel snubbed that they no longer have an input into their lives. To counter this, I’ve always said that they should look upon the non-material input they provide and put more weight into that (of course, there is less of a chance to remember this input over the years as they have a tendency to remain on the materailistic side of the fence). There is a cultural aspect to this as well as in my culture, you need to provide general hospitalities, even to your biggest enemies or even to strangers, we generally do have a open door policy (I just don’t like the ties associated with that, if there wasn’t, I’d be all for it).
The partners in your life don’t feel like they are close to you as you remove any normal ties that are associated with relationship stuff. Instead of living as a couple, in their eyes, you remain as two cohabiting individuals, which can manifest in other stressful events down the line.,
The friends you have either start to doubt their end of the friendship bargain or believe you think that you are better than them
And the simple guest is unable to understand and feel that it is a personal attack on them
and for some reason, if you deny one thing, they will keep asking until you take something. I suppose their only interaction with people denying stuff is children where they will deny the opportunity to take one thing but will not voice the real thing that is on their mind until further probing. But further probing with me will always lead to the same dead avenue, which many people simply just don’t get. It is possible to be content in not wanting something from someone.
Is that just normal human reaction, of not wanting something for something else? Do all avenues of relationships provide some sort of trade in material, physical, abstract and emotional resources?
So with that, I am contemplating instead of having people accept my views of life, having their views imposed on me while in their homes and company. But is this right?
A lot of my ideas, views and personality is supressed anywho on a daily basis. There are lots of me and not all of them are applicable to all walks of life. I’m sure many of you can appreciate that the way you are with your work colleagues, is not necessarily the way you are with your friends. The jokes you share with your siblings isn’t necessarily repeatable infront of your grandparents.
But there is so so so so much of me that is already wasted to the whim, by the time you actually get to me, how much of me are you interacting with? And if you are inadvertently satified with this diet coke version of me, then how well can you truly say that you know me. Personally, I would much rather view myself as a rubbish host and know that I have a really good grasp of someone rather than keep up apperances and end up interacting with souless individuals only to save face.
But I guess it is not my house and therefore not my rules.
And at the end of the day, I don’t represent the normal everyday person. I have clearly been overtly affected by things occurring off the path which may have made my approach and view of this skewed from everyone elses. Maybe I do need to realign myself with the viewpoints of everyone else
I guess it would be nice if I didn’t have to conform AGAIN, hide away parts of me, and react indifferently all the time and maybe find someone I can really be completely open with. I suppose in my collective friend circle I do, maybe I just need to exploit them more. I’ll put this down in my new years resolution. Must make use of my unlimited text and messages package.
But just to end, if being high maintenance is a hassle for people and so is being low maintenance, then what is this magic shangrila of being a great guest? Not only from the eyes of you being a host but from you being a guest as well?
I cannea Do it Cap-ain, I aven’t got the POOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEERRRR
I love ace ventura…. He’d be a great host, if you were a bat. Not a pre-op transexual though. Oh no…No coffee requests for Einhorn, that’s for sure..(I still would though, she’s hot)!!!