Embarking onto my first day of ‘work’

I really don’t know why I am typing at this point in time other to perhaps kill some time on this mundane train ride, there seems to be nothing really keeping my attention on here and for some reason or another everything is completely chocker block.

I think it is because this is the last direct train up to aberdeen after a long weekened and people are returning back to work after long weekends at home. The same must be said for everyone that has gone off to their homes to take a break from university. It’s amazing but apparently next week or the week after is half term already. Half what?

I remember the first term being one of the longest and now in comparison to my student days, it just flies right by. I suppose it’s because people in uni typically start about three weeks after. Heck, I bet some of them have yet to make it to a full week of lectures yet.

So hear I am embarking on this train off to my first day of work and the first time in forever this journey has not seemed boring at all. I have my funky lil netbook and I whipped it out thinking that I could get onto the internet and enjoy myself.

But unbeknowst to me, there was no bloody upgrade wifi service on the train, GUTTED. So my back up plan was to perhaps watch some films. But alas, my tiny lil netbook has sacrificed being teeny and dandy for drive space, and therefore I dont have a cd drive. I do have an external hard drive though

so I am here on my first day of work and I have woken up at an incredibly early time. I am suited and booted but so so tired. I got to my hostel and went for a cheeky cigarette before bedtime. As I came in this Nigerian came out of a cab, having just landed in the UK for the first time. Now I generally hate being approached by people when i’m smoking, I have become quite an solitary smoker these days. Anywho, his very first line of questioning to me is

‘are you a Nigerian’

No hello, no how are you, no excuse me, just straight to the unnecessary point. Because here is the thing, being a Nigerian would have no impact on his following questining, which was

am I at the right place

I need help checking in

I need help with my bags


so it was just a completely pointless question

now earlier on in the night, I was sitting down on my netbook in the Tv room and I got asked about the very same thing. In sheffield, the majority of people couldnt even locate Nigeria on a map. It does however seem that there is a big Nigerian migration to aberdeen so now I get that I will have to deal with the Nigerian stereotypes being thrown at me. But that’s why you always pack red papers with you whereever you go baby.

Even on a seperate note from this, I have noticed that I am a tad bit racist. Now I LOVE local nigerians. They are pretty cool, down to earth, always always always love the kids. But the ones who end up coming abroad to work/study/anything.

I just don’t get them, everything is so hierachy based and they hunt me down unnaturally just because I share the same skin colour and I fell out of my mother’s vagina within the same British-structured unnatural country border as their mothers. Big whooope doo.

Ah, I only have a handful of friends in this category. African migrants who move when they are 18+ can be ridiculously annoying. I don’t know, maybe it’s the arrogance but perhaps it is a self fulfilling prophecy as my arrogance to not interact with them maybe just as bad as their but I wil take that on the chin.

So this guy comes up to me and I’e had this happen to me a lot that once you assign yourself to being Nigerian, they want to know, the state you are from and your family name. Everything there is about status and I have been well trained to try and keep a low figure about who you give what information to.

So I deny myself my nigerian heritage and treat him like everyone else. Unfortunately though, he puts himselfs in my room in the hostel and he seemed nice but just a lil blank behind the eyes, having come to do a masters in the UK (and having his sister sort him out for his initial accommodation). The poor bugger was complaining about having to be in at 9 for uni registaration. To which All I can give him is a great big boooo fiddly hoooo. Since I of course had to be up and in for 8.

so he then must be jet lagged or something and he keeps up everyone in the room and the lights stay on until approximately 2am. So that was fun

So I wake up in the middle of the night for some reason and realise that I haven’t set my alarm clock to wak up for work properly. Oh the potential horror of being late for my first day of work, I could not even bare to think about it. So I set it for 6.45. I had already booked a cab to come pick me up at 7.30 in the morning as I was advised before that the commute in from town could be up to half an hour if not careful, when it should be less than ten minutes with clear traffic. Having pretty much walked everywhere for my entire adult life, the notion of commuting traffic is kinda lost on me but meh.

So I put on a nearly brand new suit with a new shirt and I head on down, arrive early and wait for proceedings. Since I have already done my induction on the original start date of my employment, I am went through the same presentation again. I don’t mind it’s all fair being safety breached and what not. I didn’t expect to have much going on initially.

SO it comes the time when we are kitted with our staff cards, and I’m well aware on any sort of picture day, that you have to be on point. The face you see on the card is one that will potentially haunt you for the rest of your professional career.

Now bear in mind that I am dark and they set the lighting to not shine on me directly, which makes me appear even dark, I have yet to give myself a clean shave, my balding head of hair is in a patchy tramp chic state, my super starched snew shirt doesn’t want to pull off the no-tie look,, plus the fact I had only3 hours of deep sleep, my picture looks absolutely horrendous. I swear to god my eyes are wide open but in the picture they taken, they look so damn squinty. Not to mention that I have puffy eyes from the lack of sleep and my cheeks are a lil on the rosy side (which reminds me, a diet is definitely in order, but I may have to sort myself out a house first though), so I look like i’ve just been in a fight with evandar holllyfield.

Not only this but the never told me when to smile/look at the camera so my head is tilted and I have slanty shoulders. My mother has always giving me hassle with regards to taking pictures for official documentation. She hasn’t seen the last two, which in all fairness are pretty damn bad but I have managed to keep up her standards with regards to university cards, which I now have a collection of, all with a plethra of different hairstyles (how very andy warhol of me). But this one, crumbs, she would literally beat my ass all day long if she saw it. Good thing she is in another country and better job she doesn’t even know about me looking for work, let alone getting a job and emigrating all the way up here in scotland. I’m such a rubbish child. Which reminds me, I must call her to say sorry for not wishing her or her mom a happy birthday.

So everyone is getting their inductions done and since there are many sites in the Aberdeen, everyone is being met by their line managers to find out which offices they are going to be based at. That is everyone apart from myself. Mine is AWOL. I don’t know which one of these offices I am going to be based on and they said I was assigned to a project but that has been changed as well. So even though they officially knew they were going to give me the job in june, four months later and my first day of PROPER work is being spent doing pretty much exactly the same thing I have been doing for the last ten years or so. Absolutely nadda.

So I am writing this in order to compensate for my newfound boredome. I have sat at someone’s desk in an office (I don’t know why they aren’t here) and the ‘buddy’ they have assigned me to is sat near me but is doing his own work. If I am based in this office, it is mighty damn quiet and introverted. The majority of people seem to just be getting on with stuff without much atmosphere at all. I don’t even think anyone has earphones in or are listening to music. Perhaps that is just a generation gap thing between my generation (or at least the 21 year old graduates joining at the moment) and the gentlemen in their mid 40s surrounding me.

Who knows, All I know is that it is lunch time in about ten minutes and I am absolutely starving. For some notion I had thought that since they put on a buffet lunch for the graduates during their induction, it was common practice for a buffet lunch to be put on for all inductions but nOOOOOOOO. So to compensate, I am having copious amounts of coffee made from the world’s most complex coffee machine. Are kettle related accidents that bad that we now have to revert to high tech stuff in order to just survive, only time can tell I suppose.

Christ I’m bored and hungry now and I’ve just finished my second cup of coffee. Actually I lie, it was my first cup of coffee, the first one was half a cappuccino sachet so it was just hot warmed up powdered milk. Yummy yummy yummy. I was going to take that shameful bit of trivia to the grave with me but I thought I would share it with the entire world as well.

I hope i’m getting paid for this, they made a big debacle about filling out your time sheets and how some internet system officially registers when you get into work. This would be the biggest plotwist of all time if I don’t even make my hours this week boo hiss.

Infact screw hours, I really really really need to start looking for somewhere to live, and some place that offers free internet use. It’s amazing how when carrying around a brick, these things don’t normally concern you but as soon as you step it up a notch, a whole world of things become now important. Like now I realise why everyone downloads movies and trying to find software to download stuff or burn your own movies has become unbelievably tedious. Worst of all, even if I do find these movies, I then have to find another computer with a dvd drive and burn them, them copy them over to my portable drive before I can enjoy them. To be fair, If I got a flv player and just downloaded some stuff from youtube, I may be ok. BUT I definitely have to get top gun on my pc, it would be sacriligious not to

Ha I didnt even mention anything about the hostel last night. Just when I get there and think I am open to a whole world of internet, the internet that had been denied to me on my previous five visits to that establishment, the free internet I could now use while laughing at those poor bastards who would have to pay a king’s ransom to use ten minutes, I found out the wifi wasn’t free, and worst of all, it was at the same bloody price as the pc internet.

It’s like why don’t you just rip out my heart and stamp on it why don’t you. I was fortunate I didn’t have any official documents or emails I needed screening before I started work but I could have easily been screwed over by them.

Oh and the cold I was confronted with when I came isn’t even bad, I potentially have real bad weather coming up just later in the week, It’s nice to know the scots have whipped out the red carpet all for me, I feel so blessed.

did I mention someone already called me a southern poof?

So I have just come back from lunch and have been told that the substitute guy who was supposed to be looking after me this afternoon has been giving orders to move desk. Out of personal experience on the subject, this is normally either a good thing that means promotion, or he has been naughty and needs closer monitoring. Or maybe his desk is turd. Either way they are still trying to get in contact with my AWOL boss. My now new worst case scenario would be to contact my ad hoc desk mover to report to him nice and early tomorrow and to pick up from where we left off. But even so, lets look at the fun checklist of this urgent induction day’s worth of stuff I should have spent all day doing

tour of premises

-oooh, just show me where the smoking areas and canteen are and i’m happy as larry. Oh and of course where all the senior management are, I need to walk passed their offices from time to time so they can get a nice good perve on me

Entrances and exits to be used

– Er… WTF. A door tour? Last time I went on one of those, the doors were still an original line up and it was still rubbish.

Fire evacuation instruction –

I’ve always hated people for following the herd but in the case of a fire only on a two story building, it’s probably best. All these instructions are just kinda meh-ish

First aid facilities-

Hey you go boy, there’s a green box with plasters and mummy wrap in it, go knock yourself out. I sometimes wonder whether they are doing all of this because they think im a 21 year old graduate. Instead I just realise they want to make sure that everyone in the chain of command is not potentially responsible if le turd hits, le fan, as they say in france.

Car parking policy

– Now this is going to be my favourite bit since as you all know, I don’t drive, yay. A good ol speech about reverse parking into booths, can you hear the excitement flowing through my tiny viens, wooop woop

smoking policy – As much as I consider myself a smoker and the fact that I could hae had a million to kill this never ending day, I plan on not smoking during work hours, I know I smoked during parts of my induction but most of those times were in the evening. I don’t want to get branded as a smoker as you never know what other connotations that may have. SO this will just make life easy and also make this talk also redundant

Recycling –

again, easy peasy, put the landfill stuff in the plastics and the plastics in the compost pil e and watch the green fingured members of the company bust a nut all over the stinking place,

company and department organisation including communication and reporting line-

ha, you wish, we have to FIND my awol line management first. Complete hog washery.

Explanation of values and policies and impact on job role –

fancy HR lingo, should have no real impact on anything.

Company and department rules and procedures including expense claims, overtime, sickness and holiday requests (where applicable) –

Didnt they cover all of this originally in the original briefing, i’m pretty much rememger the only time I was awake during that was when they were talking about how I make sure I can secure the monies.

Explanation of job and performance requirements –

alright I willg ive them this, this is perhaps when it starts getting pretty relevant in setting a standard for me to keep or excel. But this should be right at the beginning of the day and not given at snooze o’clock.

Explanation of weekly timesheets –

really? Do we need to talk about this for the third time today?

Job related procedure –

do not have sex with your teddy on the desk DURING working hours, (totally find once you are off the clock), okie dokie, next…

business ethics –

hahahhhahaahaha, ethics in business, in an oil and gas company…..ahahahahahahahaha

telephone and post usage –

I can count on one hand the amount of phone calls I have received this year, i’m pretty sure and I can count on one hand the amount of times I have rung people. I’m fairly sure they don’t have to worry about me taking the piss on that one., And being told about not putting anthrax in the post is soooooooooo 1990s yawn, would rather put it in an email now, holla holla playa playa

so as you all can see, I am going to be completely rushed off my feet for the forseeable future. I literally haven’t had GENUINELY this little to do since I finished my A levels over ten years ago, I don’t like it. And even then I had a part time job (if you can call slave labour in an opticians dungeon a job).

(ha, i#ve only just realised that bust a nut refers to plumbing when a busted up nut causes flooding of a bathroom or kitchen, draping said plumber in the glory of the wetness, i’ve been using it all my life knownig it applied to an orgasm but never exactly why). This is very much in the same way I don’t know what intrepid means but I keep putting it in sentences and so far no one has corrected me on its use, hehe

holy cream balls, it’s 2.30 and someone has already gone home. How damn lucky, I don’t actually know when I can officially go, what’s worse is that I have absolutely no idea when the busses come in. because it’s on a estate, there are only a fixed number of commuter routes to the base and i’m not sure when they start running, or even when I can go. It would be so nice knowing that I could get down the to library and use some free internet, I really need to find a decent place to live.

There’s a french man with dreadlocks sitting pretty much infront of me now. He’s got a grey chequed/burberry hoody hanging on the back of his chair on top of his suit jacket/blazer. If his dreads were a lil tidier I would very on calling him cool.

Finally someone had the gusto to tell me to go home, at three o’clock

the from 8 till three, I only had 2 minutes of my day that was truly productive

Have I actually moved job???