101 100% complete and utter false/real Facts/thoughts by YOurs truly…

Imagination overload here, I need to spill



I once saved a granny from a robbery and got a nice cut across my left eye. The scar keeps me humble and reminds me to be a better person

I don’t actually have 17 different names, I made up that fact at school to be cool. It didn’t work and now they are on all my education certificates :-/

I’ve never ever ever lied ever

21% of everything i say is complete rubbish

I once found a mice dying on the road and decided to give it mouth to mouth resusitation. after three minutes, he came back but he had had a stroke across the left side of his body, so i did the only merciful thing possible and flung him into a bus going by

i still wear nappies

When its dark, we (all of me) all come out and have a lil boogy together to songs we’ve made up

For sexual arousal, i sometimes sniff my own panties

I honestly wish i could eat everything forever and just keep going, food is so damn amazing

I’ve never been in a fight with a human being but I have been in 219 fights with various animals and 16 fights with trees. I have yet to win one.


Guns and Roses stole the name of their track November Rain from me, the turds

I once did an arms deal with saudi arabia, then all i got in the post were a bunch of fucking legs, the lying SHITS!!!

I once had a ghost poo (a poo where you check but there’s no trace of it) but the strange thing was it came out when i was on the sofa, 4 years since still haven’t found it….:o

I once asked some dude if he was going to a fair in scaborough, he answered ‘parsley sage rosemary and thyme’, so I punched him with a spice rack :-/

I once had a summer job combing bruce fortsythe’s wig, too bad i never got promoted to his head wig, that would mean i wouldnt’ have to steer at his penis all day long *shudders*

I’m the only person in the world who doesn’t LOVE or HATE marmite. I’m indifferent (it makes poor sexual lube though).

I don’t know how to tell my sister i look better in her clothes than she does, maybe i should just do a ‘who wore it best’ poll on the net

My ex once pressed charges against me. ‘CHarges’ is the name of her 10 inch strap on *shudders*.

I celebrate xmas on a random day each year when no one else knows, how awesome is that ot wake up and declare a shit day, xmas, booyah



I woke up one morning after dreaming and text this to myself, to this day I have no clue what the hell it meant ‘make sure you hide the body’

ha, no actually it said ‘nice one for hiding the knife’

alright, it ACTUALLY SAYS ‘Hot faris, picture with chains and rope and feathers in london with spiral mates from primary school. Rapid hail storm, no socks mat zit pushed me, spiral returns indoors, so fun, Uni boys inside’. yeah…i dream weird shit…

I once ate a piece of fried chicken off the floor purely because it was cheaper than buying one inside the shop. Oh and a pizza from a bin, yum yum

I have a peado-tastic song I made up to the sonic the hedgehog song ‘Petis Efant, je t’aime les petis efant, petis efant, je t’aime les petis efant, petis fil, petis fis *quick bit of joy*” (surprisingly catchy, oh that translates to little children, i love em little children, little boys, little girls *xmas giddy jingle bit*)

You thinks that’s bad, the next song is worse,

the lyrics kick in from 0:11 and this one goes

I like little children with no pubic hair (li li li children, li li li children)

I like little children with no pubic HAAAAAAARE  (lil,  lil dicks lil dicks lil dicks)

I like little children with no pubic hair (li li li children, li li li children)

I like little children with no pubic HAAAAAAIIIRRREE (lil,  lil dicks lil dicks lil dicks)

with no pubic

ha ha

with no pubic hair

with no pubic with no pubic

with no pubic hair

with no pubic

ha ha

with no pubic hair

with no pubic, with no pubic

with no pubic hair

*continue on infinite loop till arrested*


This is the greatest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. It sounds better when you have hoardes of drunk people singing it after a night out.

This song is clearly just a joke for all of you who may be offended, clearly I love the pubes, I did a sponsored run to raise money for alopubecia patients.

I once took a line of coke and didn’t like it, been a pepsi fan ever since.

why am i still wearing work shoes with clear ‘slashed soles’ from days gone by?

I’m the only person who you’ll ever meet who will get a kinders surprised, chuck away the chocolate, chuck away the toy and play with the cool yellow casing


I was asked recently at a job interview what separates me from other candidates. I said I make the best blueberry muffins. I got the job (true story).

My first sexual encounter was with an oven stove (it was fucking hot)

People that cry make me smile (unless they are ugly criers, they make me gag)

If i was reincarnated as any other animal, I would be a human being

I can walk away from anything, apart perhaps from walking away itself, it’s kinda scary.

I really don’t understand much of the world around me, it’s amazing how much nodding will get you in life.

There is nothing sexier than asking someone a question problem and watching them solve it

I do seriously wonder if you are all robots

I loathe the day when I would have nothing to do, so I do nothing and pile stock my work so i will always have something to do (oh the irony).

I went and got myself an anklet because my mom had one and it looked cool.


I’m scared to listen to the majority of my Janet Jackson collection incase I end up regressing emotionally

I once had a chat with Stevie wonder, we could never see eye to eye.

If my pillow ever left me, i’m not sure i’d ever be able to get my head straight

I have diplomatic immunity on sesame street, wizadora’s shop and also rosie and jim’s tug boat (but not on the happy days bus, FUCKING Y-BIRD, the nosey slut)

Speaking of Why Bird, this lil number is one of my favourite songs, I’m actually looking for a partner called rosie just for it.

Karma Chameleon was Number one in the UK when I was born, It all makes sense when you step back and look at it, Boy George has a lot to answer for

My very first memory is being injected in the ass by a white doctor in my dad’s village. No such thing has ever happened apparently 😮

I havent laughed as hard as when i flooded a friend of mine’s room about 10 years ago, good times.

I really do wish sometimes I was first born

I won america’s next top model cycle 0 and taught mrs Jay how to catwalk run


The only reason I haven’t completely given up on humanity is because of this clip, even PhoneJacker can’t top this

I wish rnb music would stop trying to be cool and imitate dance music

This pic below is in my top 5 all time superhero comic illustrations

I am seriously thinking about buying a complete kiddy play dining set with a lil table chairs, table, knives forks, plates, tea pot and the lot, just so one day i can get home from work and flip the whole thing over without seeming like a (complete) psycho

If carsberg made girlfriends, they’d probably be covered in ‘bean sauce’

I would seek out a means of getting rid  of my entire winnings if i ever won the lottery.

I would like to punch lord sugar in the face for not putting through my beloved JO from last year’s apprentice into the final just because she didn’t have the right background, even though she won three tasks and was the idea behind the winning bint. You are a spineless turd lord.

I can’t work out how not to cry during either sister act or ghost, I think whoopi goldberg sets off my tear ducts.

Since charlie sheen’s recent outbursts, I’ve been watching a lot of 2 1/2 men and anytime something funny happens in real life, to summarise the scene, i’d sing the final bar…’meeeen’ as they do in the show

I have a bad habbit of dancing to alexandra burke’s ‘broken heels’ in my tiptoes in the living room, calling forth my indepedant woman, hey hey HEY


I sometimes wonder whether if aliens are really just aboriginees in disguise

I’ve yet to find any definitive evidence that top gun has homoerotic undertones

I’d happily wear rhianna’s new fragrance (and some of her dresses)

If I was to enter any other career, I would be a…a tree (I wish I could find that all prudential advert *sigh* )

sobotaging is the best form of flattery

I’ve gone off 99% of pornography, considering there’s billions of videos, this is a pretty empty statistic

I don’t think christopher columbus didn’t discoer america, he discovered greed…

Ooooooooooooooh matron, is my most thought about phrase in my head at the moment, I personally blame halfwit from Big Brother 9

Vanilla is the only ice cream base flavour that makes sense, chocolate is just pure evil.

My favourite time of the day is always one, sixteen, thiry-one and forty-six minutes passed the hour i have to wait till  quarter hour to be productive.


Things I notice about a lady (oooh nice legs, ooh she’s wearing a hat, oooh what quirky hands, oooh what quirky dancing, ooh she sure does talk alot)

I wouldn’t meet janet jackson in real life because I secretly realise she’s a midget, same goes for carley stenson. I hate midgets, they have the best bodies, they should clone midgets and make them taller

The funniest thing ever written by a friend of mine called Franklin Richards, it’s geek chic, you HAD to be there

Doom’s Favorite Things
(as adapted by My Favorite Things from the Sound of Music)

Blasters on gaunlets and enemies smitten;
Dark, boiling, cauldrons and death sentences written;
Latverian embassy instead of Sing Sing;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Old gothic castles and blood sucking leeches;
Magic and gypsies and pantaloon breeches;
Doombots that fly with the moon on their wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls named Valeria with blue satin sashes;
Armor that covers my nose and eyelashes;
Soul switching magic and time warping rings;
These are a few of my favorite things.

When my Mom died,
When my face burnt,
When I’m feeling mad,
I simply remember it’s Reed Richard’s fault,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

I always adhere to the BBB law of boobs before belly in a partner, equal is fine but never belly before (unless it’s a teeny gut and small jugulars)

Who ever said crime doesn’t pay hasn#t been keeping up to date with Micheal Jackson’s plastic surgeon

I don’t wipe my arse with my left or my right hand, i prefer to use toilet paper

I once got struck by lightening and the clouds when ‘oooh’

If I could only say one word to someone to get them to like me, it would probably be ‘Surrender’ although now i think about it, it sounds like i’d be meeting people in dark alleys with a napkin full of rhyhpnol. I only do that on sundays.

I secretly race everyone when I’m crossing the road, if I don’t finish in the top three, i get sad.

I fera my housemate loves the mouse in the kitchen more than he loves me *sob*

For the last 18 months, my left hand has been getting stronger and i fear it’s going to soon ‘take over’ *gulp*


Every answer you give to any question i ever ask you is unconciously followed by the ‘Ding’ or ‘Cross’ noise on family fortunes

Mike Strutter makes me happy in a way you can’t even begin to imagine

I find it odd the world has yet to notice beyonce actually can’t dance and has a moustache

my order of love of the potato goes hash browns, wedges, chunky chips, potato, burgerking fries, mc d fries, oven chips, evil EVIL curly fries

I didn’t ever expect it would tak so long and be so fucking hard to write 101 pieces of utter crap, I’ve over worked myself and still have to come up with over 15 pieces of turd

Gadget Hackwrench is the the ONLY reason i did engineering and is the standard all future girlfriends have to meet

The trick is in the name people. CON-dom…

I learnt to enjoy the acquired taste of urine so that people in school wouldn’t steal my drinks. You don’t even wanna know how I kept my food safe *NAM flashback*

D’angelo getting fat was one of the happiest days of my life especially after this ridiculous display of awesomeness

In your own words, How does it feel, you Mc Chubby Fugster cake

I find success to be more empty than failure. The key to my heart is a stern put down


When I was a kid and had malaria, I didn’t take a dump for about 2 weeks but when i farted for the first time afterwards, I swear I hovered for a second.

My only role model if life is the yellow jaune biker from teh Cravendale adverts (I’m always saying ‘lovely’ like that in my head)

I cracked the Davinci code, the answer to everything is Me>You^2 *infinity.

When i’m stressed, i put on mario kart and drive my cart off the sides on the rainbow road track to the soundtrack

I have nothing educational I can show for myself after 10 years of education. I mean I once spelt my name wrong on a multiple choice exam for God Sake. How I’ve made it this far in life, only god knows

If captain planet ever needed a sixth ring bearer, i’d happily be it, as long as my powers can be ‘rape’ and I can point it at the blonde hair eastern eurpoeans and the south american’s monkey (not necessarily in that order)

I still remember how to say ‘why don’t you shut up’ in sign language I learnt it at 5 as i got the irony of it. Bless ol lil Tinwo

I’m not sure i could marry anyone who didn’t truly appreciate the joy of tiny planets (or an alabama hot pocket)

I convinved Stephen Spielberg to change the end of E.T., originally the alien says ‘I’ll be Right…here’ but definitely puts his finger up somewhere else


Last but not finally least… Sinatra Had a tiny willy, my dad told me…

And now, the end is near,
And so I face the final curtain.
My friends, I’ll say it clear;
I’ll state my case of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full –
I’ve travelled each and every highway.
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets? I’ve had a few,
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course –
Each careful step along the byway,
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew,
When I bit off more than I could chew,
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried,
I’ve had my fill – my share of losing.
But now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that,
And may I say, not in a shy way –
Oh no. Oh no, not me.
I did it my way.

For what is a man? What has he got?
If not himself – Then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way.

Yes, it was my way.


Ah vent sorted and disaster averted, you’ve all been a wonderful audience