Losing the Lost
Hide and no Seek
It’s gone, not only is it gone, I’ve actually thrown it away.
A tool bag of useful tidbits I had gathered throughout my life and picked up, forever only using about a tenth of it.
Nearly 28 years in the making, 28 years of hardcore surveillance, trail and error and recon.
28 years of reading background material, watching films, soaps, dramas, reading magazines magazine, gok wan, trinny, tiny female best friends, watching people go through the same thing, being supportive, learning from other people’s trials and of course their mistakes, of watching people being sad and happy, sometimes in the same moment, the works.
Forever getting more useful but heavier
28 years of complete mastery over you and your predisposed limitations.
Then all of a sudden, wham, I no longer think I need it or will ever need it.
And in a flash, I decide that this weight that I’been carrying around, is no longer of any use, so yI decide to chuck it and life becomes bliss.
Hear the Gospel
It’s almost like having a visit from a religious spiritual leader.
They come into your life and tell you the path to true happiness is to go and to sell all your possessions. And so you do, you toss all your possessions into the river and so you do have true freedom.
Until that is you realise that the religious leader that has come into your life is a false prophet of some sorts
or an unforseeable event comes and changes the status quo in your life
and all of a sudden you think,
ah, I’m alright I have my…….oh fuck…..uh oh, spagghethios…
And you can only just smile at your collosal fuck up before reality hits home and you realise that you are actually…
Trying to pick up the pieces that aren’t really there
But you think these are abstract traits, you can’t really lose them. But then you try again and find them and waddle through that river and you find your finely folded scripts come out looking like bog roll paper that has been used to wipe bin laden’s arse with and then flung onto a wall to dry.
You see the problem, as is the problem with anything abstract, comes down to intent and temperament. Firstly, you have sampled the good life without these tools, your mind realises that you don’t need them and the passive part of you wants to bypass the rigmoral. It’s like wanting to go back to using old crappy bending roads to get from A-to B when you now have a great straight line motorway.
Infact, you don’t even feel the need to travel to boring old B anymore, insted you want to go to the square root of C.
The mother of all necessity
Secondly as with anything, the first time you create and use these things, it’s exciting, it’s all trial and error and a learning process, but then you realise that once you have something that works, that is that. There is no longer joy to be gained in perfecting something.
A quest to find a cure for cancer per say is just that, once its been found, there are things and objectives.
perhaps to find a way to manufacture it cheaper and what not but the majority of the hardwork has been done.
To the researcher who has dedicated their lives to doing such, they are now left somewhat empty and without much to do and prove in that field so they move on to other studies. You don’t necessarily have to cure it twice over
You just can’t re-invent the wheel
thirdly, the decision to move backwards in life is always a difficult one, especially if it under unforseen circumstances and not out of your own personal choice. This may lead to some form of cognitive dissonance which keeps you from really accepting the circumstances you are under and you no longer live in the present.
You either think forward to a time when you no longer need your bag of tricks again or back to a time when they were cutting edge, its almost like having silent tears over spilt milk. Or you’re stuck at a roundabout and you refuse to leave at any exit and just keep going round and round and round until you forget where you are supposed to be going.
The brave and the bold
What is really needed is an acceptance of the circumstances you are in, and a realisation that you are not the same person as you were before. You should not long to collect the bag you threw away because that was done under good intentions. You instead should look to pick up a new sack and start moving forward and relearning everything with fresh eyes.
With this, you can then start to lose that Lost feeling you had as it is replaced with something far greater.
And with this you throw that “old ‘lost’ bag” you’ve started carrying into the river instead, as its far heavier than you initially realised. And then start moving forward again.
CRUMBS, I didn’t mean your Mother when i said old lost bag,
you guys are MENTAL, Seriously…..