My first real orgasm


The Premise

It doesn’t take much to gain my interest. Infact, simply the sight of someone desperately running for a tram or a bus and ‘just’ missing it, is enough to make my day. Anytime I see someone cry in TV on a documentary, I shout ‘Haha, broken’. Oh, people’s breaking up stories are also a good one. God, I do love a good whine. I’m currently getting into talking animals on youtube, it’s so simple but it completely gets me.

But amidst all of this, I have yet to acquire my 8 sneezes in a row when it comes to being in complete utter awe of something. My so-called Shangrila in the realm of pure amusement.

That was until a few years ago, I was introduced to something purely ORGASMIC. It can only be quantified by an hour of pure sneezing with bogey flinging everywhere

Ah man, it even sets me off thinking about it.

But before I can reveal, I shall provide you with some tidbits that will clarify the combination of elements that made this event what it is. I will break them down into various sections.

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1. True Control over your body

Now I have always been somewhat interested in the intricate ways we can position our bodies to choreographed moves. Hence my joint love of watching martial arts and dance routines. Both are somewhat rooted under the same teachings and come down to an ultimate understanding and control of one’s body. Both dancers and martial artists forgo life’s simply pleasures in order to hone their bodies to the ultimate level. Their bodies are their tools to create and to destroy respectively. Both Ying and Yang concepts are sometimes displayed in a martial arts Kata or the wonderful South American style Capoeira showing the slithered link between both arts.

Either way, those who undertake either get my greatest respect.

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2. Understanding

Now alongside, this anyone who knows me at all will realise that I have an incredibly analytical mind. I actually someimes fear I may be genuinely detached nihilist Robot from the future  but typically, I overanalyssed that one to death. The understanding of everything is the goal of any true analyst (or at least within their specialised subjects). An 80s cartoon known as ‘Action Force’ (stupid GI Joe in the states, even though Action force theme tune was far superior) had this beautiful quote.

‘Knowing is half the battle’

It’s beautifully summarised by this pie chart below.

On the contrary, I would like to refute this statement and say knowing everythign is key to winning the war. I believe it’s only through the root of understanding things, can we trully master them.

So with this, I have a natural soft spot for the odd documentary and not only obtaining knowledge but understanding the route others took in obtaining it in the first place, in order to present it to me in the form of enlightened entertainment. That is of course unless you are Louis Theroux  who after trying his ‘dumbass routine’ on a troubled autistic child, has now been relegated to the realms of a complete and utter C***.

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3. Technology.

I was a big fan of tomorrow’s world in my youth and I’m not afraid to say I also idolised Rapping Ninja Robots on rollerblades (best thing ever). My mother is quite the gadget freak and i have always been brought up surrounded by the latest gimmicks.

The thing with  technology is that it always allows that bit extra insight into something. While knowing may be the entire war, sometimes you have to face the fact that not everyone knows and simply displaying this information to people in a clear manner isn’t always possible. However with growing technology, things that our parents think were simply crazy are made crystal clear to the likes of you and me. Even now at work, I can spend half a page describing something but once I’ve created a clear graph, those trends can be seen by anyone else.

Technology also allows us to analyse data in newer ways. The limitations of old teachings can now be updated and you can also make it easier for studies to interact with one another. A case once analysed by a physicist with a pure physicists mind can now be translated and analysed by a chemist or a biologist, or a mathematician.

Technology allows those like Heston Blumenthall who are shefs undertake their artform as if there were chemists, with the analytical procision they require to please their customers best. This sort of understanding wouldn’t have been possible back in the day. in a sense, technology makes the understanding of the world more unified, everything becomes more relatable to everything else, as it should be.

We just have to make sure Skynet never goes online and we’ll be laughing.

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4. Other’s People Misery.

I just don’t know why but other people’s sadness just spurs me on. I’ve just been conditioned from a very early age to dip into the dispair of others and to pluck out joy.

I mean write now, I’m subscribed to a webpage called ‘Fuck my life’ where anonymous users spill out their daily misery for all to behold and it is nothing more than a complete GODSEND. Here’s my favourite entry of the day

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

Genius.

Don’t get me wrong, a continual moan is nothing short of a bore but a quick dip into the misery of others feels like a refreshing cold bucket of icewater after hours in the sauna.

Considering what appears to be my complete lack of empathy towards others, I can have a soft side, but it only comes out on occasion like big foot and the loch ness monster. I’m not that bad but then again, I’m still young.

Don’t worry, I don’t discriminate on misery,while psychological torment is still the main feeder of this aspect of joy, the physical stuff also has its place.

Who can really deny the odd fail blog entry on youtube. I can’t count the amount of times in my office, a howl of laughter has come out of the silence thanks to this sight.

And 6,000,000 million people tend to agree with me when they enjoy the animalistic nature of watching a fellow human being hit the dirt, by the hands (knees, and elbows and feet) or another invidual, especially to ‘reqium to a dream’. It still gets me to this day (four years after seeing for the first time), what was going through that poor bastards head at 1.39

bliss.

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Summary

So there you have it. We’ve covered ‘Control fo the body’, ‘Understanding’, ‘Technology’ and ‘The misery of others’.

So what happens in 2006 when The National Geographic channel only goes and whams all of these elements together in one program of pure pure GENIUS.

Lady’s and gentlemen, I want to introduce you to Fight SCIENCE.

The premise of this show is simple. It’s a look at the martial arts under a scientific eye in order to quantify its ability to render someone to a permanent state of christopher reeves syndrome. And after quantifying things under very expensive and unique experiments, it then uses state of the art motion capture technology and 3d animation, to highlight exactly what occurs at each stage of the body in super slow mo, while you  are getting your ass royally handed to you. All of this happening with Robert Leigh’s overly enthusiastic voice added that slice of the american dream to all the footage.

That’s exactly what life is about. Being screwed over by someone royally better and then have them explain in high detail exactly how they bum rushed you.

The show’s original one hour program had me completely mesmerised, especially the segment describing and testing whether the one-punch knockout was possible, as well as finding out whether the death punch was likely.

if this video doesn’t work for you, please click here to see it on youtube

drool, a perfect blend of voilence and science mixed together. what more can a nerd ask for? I could literally watch this for days.

humina humina humina

After this came various other incarnations and other shows came in (Fight quest, Human Weapon etc ) and did their own version of what fighting science did, the best of which is shown via this

but as with anything, you never forget your first orgasm and it won’t leave you feeling as goey and cuddly inside. It feels slightly cheap and without strings and leaves you with that awkward goodbye conversation the morning after the night before.

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Abysmal Revelation that your time was royally wasted

So there you have it, a tale about love and a young man’s journey, on a secret quest to find the key to his heart. Who knew such a voyage could be so encapsulating.

I’ll leave you with one of the par takers in teh Fight science original campaign, Glen Levy. He also highlights that if you are a bad ass ninjitsu expert, you are allowed to have bad facial hair. I mean I’m not going to try and stop him, they showed in great detail how he could call up your heart on his mobile, press 1 to make it stop, press 2 to make it explode or press 3 to turn it into a jam donut.

One great quote he does make make in this highlights well the beauty of his own martial art. He says

Let me take you on a path to your own destruction.

Now you know fully well anyone that says that before a fight is either a God among men or is royally about to get his ass kicked. In this case, I believe it’s the former.

Right Folks, all this talking has got me worked up, I’m off to go find some KY, an electric toothbrush, a horseshoe, three matches,  the robot fist from the arnie pic above, some warm pineapple slices a rubber glove, a badger, a mobile phone set constantly on vibrate and a kiddy’s swimming armband and some Inner Circle on the woofer. (DON~T JUDGE ME)

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Disclaimer

If you thought this post was about sex, no worries, the ‘my real first SEX orgasm’ post can be found ‘here‘, sorry for the misunderstanding. Enjoy

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