What happens when an Unstoppable force meets an Immovable Object?

Every natural flirt out there knows that there is nothing more stimulating than seducing someone. The more resistant they are to your charms, the more you are drawn to them.

But can two seducers, manage a relationship together?

Picture this

The goal of any seducer isn’t necessarily the obtainment of what they are after, rather the knowledge of knowing they have obtained the unobtainable. They are effectively high end bank thieves, or jewel robbers. They are highly-skilled in breaking into some of the most heavily guarded and protected places in the entire universe and undoing billions of years worth of evolutionary counter measuring so that they can claim the greatest prize of all. Your hearts.

I can visually personify this ordeal from the beginning sequence of Return of the Pink Panther, where the Mysterious Phantom steals the Priceless Pink Panther diamond from what could only be described as an impossible fortress, and makes it all seem so simple.

As a Seducer in your early days, you’ve probably had some extremely cunning person play you for a fool and ransack your entire emotional livelihood without you even realising it. After this,  you make a solemn oath to arm yourself to the teeth with enough knowledge and experience so if said ‘wenker’ were to return into your life, you’d be ready. And thus starts you on the quest.

Now most of the time, you’ll find that 99.99999% of society are built in exactly the same way, once you can break into one fortress then you can break into any.

You see when you end up seducing others, you end up learning from all your victims’ previous mistakes and that makes your heart that bit more secure, making sure that even YOU on your best day couldn’t get past the first layer of your defences. But then life becomes somewhat mundane as you very quickly realise that you know longer get a thrill from gambling when there is nothing at stake and you’re guaranteed to win.

But then comes those true life stopping moments when you are met by another, who attempts to break into your fortress. You see, now you realise, there is no greater prize than seducing another who has mastered the art of affectional theft. You are confronted with your equal and opposite and it soon becomes very clear you both have grown tired of interacting with the normies and see each other as a more suitable prize. So starts the forever entwinning descent to culpable madness.

Soon what you thought was your impregnatable fortress is being breached at such an alarming rate it’s almost as if you have no defences at all. And your usual offences are being slapped away in the most obvious form to someone who also uses them. But you grow, adapt and continue to overcome because it’s so damn FUCKING FUN. You both ultimately have each other’s necks and are always guaranteed to reach a stalemate if you continue on the same path, destined to be in an eternal deadlock.

So you are forced to think outside of the box.

You are forced to evolve.

You are forced to surrender.

You arm yourself with no weapons but with knowledge. You tell them  every move that you would make or they could make, forcing them to do the same. You tear away your fortress  and remaining defences and reveal your pink panther there for them to see, knowing fully well their only move is to do the same. Now it’s just a test of wills to see whether you can make a dash for their jewel before they run away with yours? Now who will capture the flag first and claim victory? It’s anyone’s game at this stage but instead of imminent victory, something strange happens. Nobody makes a move.

With both prizes on view and defences down, you both forget about the goal and  begin to enjoy each other’s company. You in a sense start courting in a normal fashion (to your strange selves anyway) via very different means. You almost forget you should be keeping an eye on your jewel and almost start contemplating giving it up to them.

But then the clarity returns and you realise that their goal was never to steal it, but for you to give it across willingly and you end up in a sticky situation with a true master in the field.

How much of your encounter is real? How much isn’t? Do you even care? Are you willing to take the risk to find out?

You end up for a moment behaving normally and that’s when you know you’re more than knee deep, wading in a mess of your own creation.

How do you clear the flood? The answer is you don’t. You can only surrender to it. You can only lose a game if you decide to play. Once you opt out, then the shine is taken off the prize and you have to hope that the rest is enough  to keep their interest. You are truly at their mercy with only faith and a steel nerve on your side.

The worst part of this,  you begin to conclude their enjoyment was always grounded in realising that you were both partaking in art of mutually-assured destruction. If either party allowed themselves to be seduced, does this bubble then fade away and life return to normality, with one as the victor and another as the loser? Is there such a thing as winning in the natural sense of the word, if a game isn’t being played? Or with people like this, is it ever really possible to stop playing this wickedly addictive game?

Does either party actually want to move this forward or does one person genuinely want more than the other?

When confronted with the words  ‘I want you to fall in love with me’ as their response, with nothing of their own benefit put down as a reason, then it dawns on you that you’re nothing more than potentially a prize in their collection. Then again this may all be part of their ruse. It’s impossible to tell since this is a route that you would take if placed in a similar situation. Cunning Linguistics indeed. You brush it off and power through, as always and stick to the plan.

When you don’t trust yourself naturally and invite an adversary who you can’t trust to basque in your inner sanctum, it makes taking your bearings impossible. You find yourself spinning in infinte space, not scared or apprehensive, but quite enjoying not quite knowing where you are going.  It is indeed a nice change, especially if the two of you decide to spin together, like a capsulated ouijja board, with both parties hands on it but none believing they are actively steering, succumbing to the relationship-sized ideomotor effect (click here to find its meaning).


You just worry that sometime soon you may hit something, bursting the bubble,  forcing upon you the reality of the situation. Truth be told, even if they did offer their heart to you, admitted defeat and decided to move on, You would find this the emptiest victory of all. You’re no longer sure it’s their heart that you want as a trophy, You begin to crave the company of genuine kin.

You see, as part of your seduction repertoire, you have both learnt to mimic your prey in order to relax their defences. However you’re now lost in the mimicking. Are you mimicking them mimicking you mimicking them? Who is real and who is the shadow, the reflection, the hunted? Or scarily enough, are you both being genuine or the first time in forever? Do they really want you to fall in love with them, like they said? Do you really want the same as well, would it be so bad?

Worst of all, are you both merging into something new and exciting altogether, an amalgam of your collected impulses, on a snowballing crescendo into the unknown. You still know in the back of your mind you need to fade into their subconsciousness undetected and grasp at the ultimate prize, which on closer inspection, is starting to emerge as another pink panther identical in look, feel and shape to your own.

Or dare I say, perhaps, you’ve both only ever had half of the same jewel and were only trying to naturally put them back together. You start to have lucid dreams, rationalising the whole ordeal, believing once in a former life, You sold your soul to the devil, for an empty prize. Then to spite you for such a reckless ordeal, he made your other half from it.

They do certainly feel like your lost soul, come to taunt you, as a prize you can never truly claim as your own. Not fully, at least, not yet anywho. As ultimately all that is broken in you, is reflected in them and the mirror is too big and bright to glare at indefinitely.

Before you know it. you both discover the truth. The jewels have traversed the voids on their own leaving their stubborn owners behind, to reside with the other. The hard pink panthers are now damaged from the voyage, dusty, black and brittle with next to no street value. It becomes clear neither knows what to do with the other’s to make them better. They’ve both become so skilled in taking that they’ve completely forgotten in how to give. It’s a sobering shame to find out there’s still more to learn but it’s obvious the Jewels aren’t where they are meant to be. Not now anyway.

There is ultimately no victor and a truce is called. It’s a draw.

You trade damaged goods and solace stares as you both back away from one another lovingly knowing it’s the last gaze you’ll ever share.

You leave as you once came, apart from a glaring hole where hope had come and left unnoticed, while you played and foolishly began to wander ‘What If?’. It leaves you feeling solemn and older but not sad. It’s only fair you feel this as it keeps reminding you you’re alive and most importantly, that you are not alone.

So with this, you dust yourself off, and start again. You recite psalms and re-watch scenes from the Bible of emotional theft (Thomas Crown Affair remake), while humming Nina Simone’s Sinnerman,  waiting, knowing next time you meet another master thief, you’ll be ready to give them your all…