And those were the Best (Blue) days of my life…


Blowing your monies

As a ex researcher, it seems we get infinite amounts of money from the government (AKA the tax payer (AKA YOU sucker)) to further our ways of life.

Usually the majority of this money, in the engineering field at least, goes directly into working on ways to kill you quicker (you’re welcome). But other departments get funding too, like the maths & medical departments and even art.

So it strikes me as incredibly odd that some poor bugger has probably spent the last five years of his life and over £100,000 of your money, discovering & locating the phenomenon known as

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Blue Monday

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Now considering you’ve spent so fucking much on it, would you at least like to know what it is?

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Why so Blue?

Blue monday is supposed to be the worst day of the year, and falls on the third monday of January  or sometimes the Monday before your first pay cheque, which ever makes you more suicidal.

Here is the apparent ‘equation’ used to calculate it, which was discovered by some loser called Cliff Arnalls at Cardiff University. Personally, I think he came up with it by wiping his arse and counting how many bum hairs were stuck to the toilet paper, just like how the rest of the world does credible research. Bah…

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the_blue_monday_formula_11008.

Even though this formula looks like complete trollocks, Mondays have been historically attributed to being notoriously bad and so have Januarys . So it doesn’t take Einstein to marry to two fuckers together to declare a day commiserate our excuse of an existence.

Especially when you take into account,

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  1. Over indulgence during the holidays,
  2. Being a week till payday,
  3.  The crappy weather,
  4.  Being skint,
  5.  Being fat,
  6.  Recently being dumped,
  7.  Realising your spouse is inadequate,
  8.  Wanting to start a new job since yours is so shitty,
  9.  Still having your xmas party STI medication to finish,
  10.  Not getting a ay rise
  11. Your drunken shenanigans at the chirstmas party get revealed
  12.   The limited amount of natural daylight,
  13. Being the furthest away from a holiday break,
  14. Failing to stop smoking or whatever bad habit you have,
  15.  The rise in VAT,
  16. Nothing shifting in the rent or housing market and
  17. Your landlord has just put the rent up
  18. The recession still looming,
  19. The influx of statements under the bed you’ve been ignoring
  20.  A previously crappy weekend at home because you’re skint and no one wants to do anything!!!!

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The only thing that could make this worse is if you were also working on this stupid equation in a damp toilet cubicle in Cardiff, after having a spicy curry the night before…yeah Cliff, I’m talking to you…

So with all things being said, you can kinda understand why this BLUE Monday is  such a rubbish duvet day for all of us

That is of course for most people. But not for me….

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The Silver lining

See, I happen to be one of those people who is an empath,  thus feed my emotional state off others. While most empaths have a positive correlation with their hosts, I have the opposite most of the time.

So when you’re feeling happy with the world, I feel kinda shit due to your smugness and when you are going through deep heartfelt pain, I have a inner glowing glee about me and a beautiful sense of optimism about life.

I mean seriously, who can deny the joys of seeing an old person slip on some ice? If that doesn’t warm your hearts, you’re dead inside. Dead like a fish

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Ice-bucket-challenge-Brocken-neck

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So how do I see Blue Monday?

Now like any good entrepreneur, I like to make a positive out of a negative and this is how you can turn your blue monday frown, upside down.

Today is the best time to get a one bed flat as soaring suicide rates means there’s a lot of stuff coming through on the market.

It’s also a nifty time to put your money into weapons companies on the stock market, as sales of automatic weapons for violent office shoot outs get pushed through the roof.

With all those mofos going to jail, promotion opportunities come flying by like a thief in the night.You can go from being the coffee boy to CEO of google, in three years with some careful Blue Monday related promotion strategies.

It’s a great day for dating, hitting on the weak & vulnerable and outta shape, you’re bound to get a sympathy shag and push way above your weight, as solid 9s wither down to 6s for a brief 24hr period.

Bankers make a ton on people shoving their heads in the sand & spending to overcome the blues, so share prices of pretty much everything (including shit-plated shit) go through the roof. A great time for investors, especially in hanging rope

Also Celine Dion & Whitney Houston ballads get played more, they end up annoying EVEN more people, sending everyone further into a bluey spiral. It’s seriously the perfect crime & the only holiday that keeps on giving.

And if you have an overbearing boss/parent/partner/child, it’s the best and only time you can look them in the eyes and say

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‘Literally go fuck yourself’

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.because they’ll be so doped up on psychotic antidepressants, they’ll think it’s an apparition of uncle colin who’s been dead for 6 years, you know the one with the rapey beard. GENIUS!!!

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Back to business as usual

For all intents and purposes, this is my Christmas. I can’t wait  to get up in the morning and go online to hear about all your misery, then go into work and hear everyone moan.

For a single moment, I am at peace with the world.

But nothing lasts forever and soon your misery and my joy will subside. This sort of peak in my festivities only lasts till pancake day, when everyone turns gay merry again, so I make the most of it, because it’ll soon be summer & I’ll be plunged into hayfever misery.

SO with that ,

HAPPY BLUE MONDAY YOU MISERABLE BASTARDS!!!

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What’s that, I can’t hear you CLAPPING 🙂
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