A twist on the ‘In the good ol days…’ usual conversation topic

There are a few things men can talk about in great depth with no real queing. Shitting, Wanking, Farting, Pornography, Sex and Doing stupid shit while drunk, Oh and how to make fire and run a good barbecue.

I will put my 2 cents in about two of these topics…Guess which ones I pick.

THe good old days or pornography are gone

I went to my mate’s house the other day and found the rarest t hing I have seen for almost 10 years. A porn MAGAZINE.

It wasn’t a battered up old one either, it was relatively new only a few weeks

And I wondered to myself, that it must be such a dying trend.

I remember the first time I bought a porn mag, I ended up going into a news agents and trying to cover up my shame by buying a few papers and then wacking it in the middle. It was a coming of age moment (pun not intended). And also started my obsession of short blonde hair ladies with the likes of Jo Guest fueling that look. *Boing*

I remember my love affair with the porn mag changing, first from the joy of the naked form, to going onto wanting more penetrative hardcore stuff to simply being immersed in the stories section. The notion of opening up the mind to erotic stimulation without any visual interphase was somethign extraordinary for me. The words came to life in my mind and conjured up strong passionate images and voices,sounds, smells, and touches. Being the analytical mind I was, I was soon able to understand the ‘formula’ to writing such literature and they unfortunately lost their appeal mostly. I am now capable of taking this formula and making it a bit of my own. Dare I say in the last 14 years or so, there has only been one story that has blown my mind, I almost consider it art.

crumbs, I remember my first wank before that, shit took like three days to
ejaculate, locked in an isolated downstairs toilet right next to the french
classroom, ha. I had borrowed one of my friends porn mags but because he came from geneva it was all in french. but it was raunchy as hell.

before then they had been things bought by the seniors or my big brothers and
somewhat passed around. Same thing goes for porn videos on those miraculous
beautiful things called VHS before they become cds (i remember this lil bit) and
now dvds

Wow, I even remember the first time I watched a porno movie. Up to this point, i had my daily insight into sex coming from page three, 10 minute previews on television x and random german soft porn films showing on sky from europe. Heck, i had even watched random game show called tutti fruttie, back in 1990, where girls would strip in teh intermittent of asking random game show questions. I used to watch this with my dad at times, when i’d stay up late to try and watch it and he’d pop outta his bedroom looking for some inspiration before piling my momma with the jackhammer family trademark special. I still remember the silent ‘I won’t tell if you don’t’ conversation we had on those night. ha, that’s paternal bonding in my family folks.Not to mention the john wayne walk my mom would have in the morning, good times.

My first hardcore porno experience came when my sister had managed to thieve one of those covered ‘unlabelled’ tapes from my brother’s room under the TV stand and come back to our room, I happened to be watching some dribble on the TV and she stormed in, locked the door and wacked it on. Bam,lots of men with heavy moustaches, mullets, hairy chests, women with white stilletos, all in a barn screwing. I had an epiphany moment of going ‘OH SO THAT’S WHAT MY **** IS SHAPED LIKE THAT FOR’, but also then air bashing a keyhole wondering what the hell was the big deal with this whole sex thing,, haha, 8 years old folks. (rember 8 before you start keyhole jokes).

Heck in my hay day, I had developed a movie making porn studio. combinging two or three VHS machines in series and dubbing totether the perfect porn tape, or even mass producing ones to sell off. I could even edit scenes and slow down certain parts or put bits in loops so even though they didn’t last long in the original, i could stretch that mofo out in the ‘novembrepleut’ remix of it. Humina Humina Humina…

This was because you always had that notion that if you lent a porno to someone, you’d never get it back, some of my prized possessions have been lost. Gone are also the funny stories of being lent a tape which you’d pop in and start at the exact moment the guy who gave it to you blew their last load (or the self-concious ones would rewind the tapes to the beginning). Or when hefty rewinding would cause to break and you’d do everything your power to prop that bastich open and fix it like a bleeding victim on an ep of ER.

Ha, that’s not even as bad as the old days of having a CD and getting into it only to realise its scratched to hell at the best bit. And you’d try every superfast forward to jump the skippy bit.

I’ve even had the honour of being caught on a few occasions. First one was an unlocked toilet by a large chinese gentleman in the toilets who spoke lil english. Stupid locks, I can tell you the looks we had that day were not lost in translation and funnily enough, it never came up on convo again. Thanks for the Chow.

The next time, I had gotten up at about 4 o’clock in the morning on a saturday to wander down to the tv room and had got completely naked and sprawled myself out infront of the tv like a king for a pent up sess. At around 6.30, this young kid comes in out of the blue (normally my ninja sense are atune to hear snoring from about 30 miles away in ‘jazz mode’. He looks at me as if i’ve eaten his mother and i’m munching on her dead head and runs. I’m mildly comatosed and covered in my own navy patrol at this moment, unable to move and take it on the chin. Ten minutes later, his lil chum who i had been bullying for quite a while came down and just looked at me…and burst out laughing in a ‘Ha, I’ve got you now you bastard, kinda way’. Unfortunately Bobby was scarred for life at the sight of my wang-master-500 and jumped off a building in jealousy. True story.

But that’s when the internet came in and changed the game entirely. Everything is now on tap and at easy access. you can go from naiive to ‘2 girls and a cup’ in the space of an afternoon. You don’t even have to wade through those old channel five late night movies to get your juices pumping, it’s all instant touch and go access.

The youth of today have it easy. There isn’t any of that intruige in finding out about sex anymore, it’s all there at the tap of the button, there’s no hierachy of knowledge or influence. or fuzzy knowledge in understanding what anything means. I remember for years not knowing what a blowjob was, till i was 10 1/2 (i started early folks). worst thing was, I managed to automatically
realise Blassen mir einen was the german phrase for it, THAT’s how much porn I had watched by then. I had seen all these images but had yet to put a tangible reality on them.

or even if we sped up to my uni days and the high days of bluetooth where my friend network continually managed to find the wrongest images of porn to shock each other with, now it’s all there on the net for anyone to retrieve.

I remember that infamous scene that left a scar on my face and it was this poor horse being forced to kill a woman in a hotel with his schlong-a-thong and this friend of mine on his mobile phone looking like he had unleashed the holygrail of wrong on it. I eman beastiality is bad enough but even when i saw some double penetration of a lady with a man and lassie, it still didn’t move this image from me. In my day the only beastiality you heard of was the infamous animal farm which everyone always knew about and had a mate who had a mate who had it but never had watched it yourself. The illusion of it has now been lost to being accessed to such scenes and we become

Infact all pornography has become far less desensitised. Stuff like anal and
the facial which were rarities back in the 70s have almost become the norm in every scene now and you can see them bringing in stuff to the mainstream that’s going to be desensitised for the younger folks (god help them). There is far less emphasis on story line or even equality in the medium, either the woman are scene as sexual objects to conquer in 3somes or gangbangs or as superiors to dominate and subjugate powerful business mens into
role plays as being submissives.

don’t even get me started on the state of lesbian porn (for male audiences) or amateur pornography which ceases to be what it’s intended to be and is a representation of art imitating life imitating art imitating life. It’s all quite interesting stuff.

i’m always on the look out for retro scenes that I used to bash off to back in
the day. Pure welches of exciment come from randomly searching through
beautiful sites such as xvideos, pornhub, keezmovies, tube8, eskimotube,
jizzhut, empflix, wankspider, youporn (my first love) to find some nostalgia

And recently I found the clip, At the time it was what i believed to be the
hottest hottest HOTTEST lesbian clip I have ever seen with my idea of the
perfect brunette and the perfect blonde going at it perfectly.

unfortunately history has a way with playing with your mind and when i was
presented with the scene now, i didn’t even get a twitch in my happy sack. and
you know why??

because a long time ago, a female friend alluded to the fact she couldn’t watch
porn where the girls didn’t get wet because it was a clear sign all their moans
were acted and nothing came from all the random shouting they were doing, it
was all acting. So from then on I could never view lesbian porn in the same
manner ever again.

and unfortunately in this scene retrospectively, my female friend was right.

sometimes ignorance is bliss, especially for an ageing temperamental penis
anyway. Gone are the days when a brush on the arm would have it harder than van
damme and bruce lee’s love child.

But I still have some loves, there’s actually some beautifully choreagraphed scenes from back in the 1990s from a film called Imagine, where a lady imagines having sex with her boss, the scene plays with her in a meeting, and you can see her thinking about it and hear it but rarely get to see clips of the act itself. It plays on our imagination state and stands out in itself as an artform, the direction and acting by ashlyn gere is fantabulous and it’s one of the earliest scenes I can remember which didn’t come with a soundtrack or overzealous moaning. It’s good stuff, a guaranteed winner if nothing new pops up on the weekly scan of smut.

apart from that and some wrong stuff that will probably get me kicked off this site, All these thoughts went through my head when I picked up my friends magazine and it did made me smile.

There’s no real point to this entry…just relish in the wrongness…